Hello Anita,
I hope you are well today.

I have been coping fairly well these past few weeks since I have been away from home (staying with parents during quarantine), he’s in a different city. I must admit I have intense fear when I go to school because I may run into him.

At this point, I am close to making peace with this person not being in my life.

What concerns me now is honestly a fear that I don’t know how to have a relationship. That it’s been so many years of hoping to meet someone, and to have it blow up in my face.

Was I trying to measure up to societal expectations by rushing into something with someone who showed a lot of red flags? Maybe. Am I trying to cure a loneliness inside me (living away from my family) by seeking a relationship? Likely.

At one point he suggested he felt pressure from me “because you’ve never been in a relationship before.” This stuck with me, because while I saw his behaviours as odd/unkind I really did take on his blame.

It’s worth noting that I am someone who tends to speak her mind, and I do assert myself (not rudely, but I tend to speak up). Anyway, he is someone with, I think, some self-esteem issues. This probably knocked his confidence and the reaction was to cast blame on me.

Is this making sense? It’s so difficult to relate many months of agonizing and ruminating, plus a whole lifetime’s experience of feeling like I don’t quite fit in (again, slow bloomer) in a text post.