Hi Anita,

Thanks for your help again. It is heart-warming that someone who doesn’t even know me is so willing to help.

About the OCD, in the session with my therapist, we didn’t discuss much about this part, probably because we had more pressing issues to talk about. I used to have these thoughts, some about things as silly as the way he sat or how his hair looked, and used to feel extremely guilty for having them. Because these thoughts were obsessive, and I was constantly analyzing everything, as a compulsion, I used to tell him stuff like, “Sit straight” and then feel guilty about that too. My mother does the same to me, my therapist said my mother is emotionally abusive, and I had started feeling I was emotionally abusing my boyfriend just like that. Once my therapist told me these were due to anxiety, I started giving a lot less importance to them and became much more conscious of myself. After the breakup, I looked it up and came across the term “Relationship OCD”, and my symptoms matched. Towards the end of our relationship though, I had become frustrated, feeling that this isn’t going further. I felt we were stagnating. But after he broke up, I was filled with so much pain I felt I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t understand why, if I really wanted it to end, did it hurt so much. I still don’t.

Coming to guilt, like I mentioned before, I feel guilty about any and everything. Before A and B, it was about my mother. We have a rocky and rough relationship, and I felt guilty I wasn’t able to be a good daughter. I’d feel guilty for going out with friends. I’d feel guilty when we’d fight, thinking that I’m a bad daughter for talking back, after all that she has done for me. I kinda have this thing where I believe everything that goes wrong is my fault. I have a list of things that make me guilty and regretful right now as well. I’d love to expand because boy is it mounting.

One of those things from the list is that I felt I had been badmouthing A till now, when I spoke to friends about him, about the breakup, things that bothered me about the relationship, even though I didn’t actively abuse him or anything. I should not have done that. I never meant to portray him as a bad guy or anything like that, and I never want anyone to think poorly of him. I felt horrible; he’s not a bad person at all. He just did what he had to do at that point, and I had no right to badmouth him. This made my guilt so bad that I actually messaged and apologized to him for it two days ago. He said I didn’t need to apologize at all and “it’s me with the apology”. He said letting me go was the biggest mistake he ever made. Boy.

He had refused therapy at the time I had suggested it; I’m guessing it was because of some sort of stigma or denial. He definitely hadn’t seen a therapist after the breakup. When I met him the first time, he was a mess of sorts. He was crying, saying he’s been through some real tough times. Talking about the breakup made him physically uncomfortable. Looking at all this, like I mentioned, I felt nothing much has changed. He’s no way even ready to talk about what happened. But when we met the second time, he told me he’d started reading (something he never ever did, and i am an ardent reader), and we discussed some of the common books we’d read. He told me hoe he’d read some self-help books, and learnt a lot. All this made me think… Is he a new person now? Will things be better and different this time around?

Waiting to read from you…