Dear  Amelia:

Welcome back.  You are a good person, Amelia, and this man is fortunate to have you in his life.

If I remember correctly, this long distance relationship started March 2019. I agree, he does seem to be depressed, but the fact that sometimes he “sees the beautiful things in life” is encouraging.

Last we communicated I suggested that the two of you will be online friends at the most. But you clearly love him beyond friendship, and you are quite excited about the idea of having a future life with him. So friendship-only is not possible.

“how to support him in long distance”- gently. But you are gentle, so I don’t think you have to try hard to be gentle. What he does not need is someone to pressure him to do anything. He needs to feel safe with you. When he feels safe enough with you, he will have the courage to surprise himself and believe in what he didn’t believe before.

If you pressure a significantly depressed person (telling him that he should feel this way and not that way; that he should think this way and not that way; that he should do  this and that, etc.)/shouldn’t think this way, and that he should do this and not that, etc.), the depressed person withdraws further into himself, like a turtle into its shell.

But if you listen to him with empathy and no criticism, if you express to him that you like him just the way he is, then he is most likely to come out of his shell and .. walk, and even run.

Everyone needs to feel safe within a relationship, to feel accepted, not pressured and not criticized, but an anxious and depressed person needs it desperately. I hope the two of you can provide this safety for each other.

And please do post anytime you want. I like reading from you, you are not “talking too much”, so.. you can talk (type) more, much longer posts if you want to.

anita