Dear Serife:

“these people that everyone gravitates to, it feels like their respect and kindness is so exclusive and needs to be worked for. I don’t get why people prefer these people?”-

If the situation is like this: a popular person A is ignoring/ disrespecting persons X, Y and Z. Persons X, Y and Z then work very hard to gain A’s approval, acceptance and respect (I’ll refer to these three as Love). After a while, A loves X, Y and Z on the condition that they continue to work hard to maintain his love. Every once in a while, A shows his disapproval of any of the three, so to stimulate them to work harder.

Question is: what is motivating X, Y and Z to work so hard to gain A’s love, while person B (you) already showed them love, and is willing to love them without them having to work so hard for it?

My answer: X, Y and Z had earlier life experiences, likely they grew up in households where a parent didn’t love them unless they worked hard for it, for example, getting good grades in school. When that happened, X, Y and Z received the love they desperately needed (although temporarily and conditionally: they will have to keep working hard for a repeat of that love), and they felt very, very good. It’s this very, very good feeling that they are after: the  feeling of being loved after being unloved.

Fast forward, they come across A in school. A reminds them of their unloving parent. That stimulates their desire to earn the love of their unloving parent. Next they do all that they can do to get A to love them, and when they succeed (although temporarily and conditionally), they get this very, very good feeling back.

But when X,Y and Z come across you, you don’t remind them of their parents, because you don’t look disapproving and rejecting, so they don’t get the desire to repeat the pattern of their childhood.  They are gravitating instead to A, gravitating toward that very, very good feeling.

Does this make sense to you?

anita

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