Dear Isabelle:

You are welcome. Keeping your relationship with your mother is keeping you fused with her in a way that prevents you from experiencing better mental health.

Mentally, a child is not separated from her mother, the two are one for a long time. If things go well, if the mother is strong enough and dependably supportive, the child will gradually separate from her mother (it is called separation-individuation, a term in child development).

When a child grows up with a very fragile mother and the roles are reversed, the mental separation from the mother is far from adequate, and the child and later, the adult child, is .. fused with a fragile mother. In my case, as a result of this fusion (the mental separation far from adequate), I felt on one hand very weak and inferior, and on the other hand, I felt strong, even superior, and overall, I was mentally unwell for decades, my subjective experience of life was that of severe anxiety and overall misery.

After I ended all contact with her, it took me years of hard work to finally mentally separate from her. So warning: if you ever consider ending contact with your mother, take into account that it will take time and work and an on again off again moments of triumph and distress,  to complete this mental separation I am talking about, leading to mental health.

One more thing: not everything is reversible, and not all symptoms caused by an abusive experience with one’s mother can be undone, so that’s another thing to consider.

anita