Hello Anita,

thank you for offering to read my creative works.  I haven’t had anyone to share my works with since my old school teacher, sadly though I have not written anything for a long time now, I even stopped journaling.  I used to write poetry and was apparently very good at creative writing.  I actually wanted to do a degree in textile design but wasn’t allowed.  I love many forms of creative expression; doing anything using my hands makes me feel in heaven.  But for some reason I stop myself.  I want to make my next business creativity-based but have so far been paralysed to just start.  I am beginning to think it may really be because of holding out in hope of receiving my mother’s love, but she saw my creative talents as unacceptable competition.  It is so hard when being treated so badly seems normal to be able to readjust to what is really normal.

I am sorry but I am afraid I need more help to find clarity regarding the assessment of people’s characters.  I usually assume people are good, and give hurtful people the benefit of the doubt (at least one chance) in the beginning – though in retrospect I have often thus let bad people into my life who took advantage of me.  I should have been less tolerant from the start but I feel it would be being too harsh.

I realise people (me included) are not perfect, but I have trouble in getting clear about which are the people who are mainly good, and which are mainly hurtful – and how to set boundaries with the hurtful ones without being a mean person.

So like with my husband, I think the reason why I felt depressed again recently is because of this difficulty in getting clear.  As I never had a responsible partner at my side, it feels like almost asking too much of someone to be responsible and consistent, yet I know I will keep suffering if I don’t get clear about where I stand with my husband (and other such people I may meet in the future, which is what is keeping me from meeting new people generally).

I worry that he thinks by being friendly towards me I might eventually concede to a reunion.  I AM clear that I do not want to be with him anymore, but I feel guilty if someone does something nice for me and then veer into confusion, a bit like Alice falling down the rabbit hole.

If this were business, I would find it much easier – either it is a reliable, consistent business partner, or I don’t want to do business with them and cut the connection.  How do I get to feel that clear in my personal life?  Why do I find it so excruciatingly difficult to be so clear and consequent in personal affairs?

Thank you for your patience.

Juanita