Hi Jeff,

Two of your statements really hit home with me, “I thought I could be an adult and be amicable, so I smiled and pretended it was a chance to start a new life.” and ” I walk away alone with the knowledge that I couldn’t do a thing to make this right. I’ll live with that shame the rest of my days.”

When my ex-wife and I decided to divorce, I too thought I could just start a new life while still maintaining an amicable relationship, but then a few weeks later, feelings of shame, guilt, and regret started seeping in with a record playing in my head, “What could I have done to make it work?” I realize now that our marriage was not a happy one and there was nothing that either one of us could have done to salvage the relationship, but nevertheless, the emotional turmoil I experienced of having been striped of my identity as “husband” and feelings of having failed my marriage we’re just unbearable.

If there was a lesson to be learned from all this for me, is that I’m often very hard on myself and that my mind is sometimes my own worst enemy telling me things that are completely untrue.

The following TEDtalk about self-compassion has recently helped me find some serenity about that relationship, but also developed new resiliency towards subsequent relationships: http://youtu.be/IvtZBUSplr4

If I could leave you with one more comment; please don’t give into the temptation to start another relationship – casual or serious – anytime soon. I think there should be a rule of thumb that says, after the break-up of a long term relationship, you need to spend at least 6 months to a year alone before embarking on a new relationship. I really wish someone had given me that advice after my divorce.