Dear Anita,

I want to say “dearest Anita”, because I am so moved!  Your response is so in sync with where I am (internally) now, I find it quite astonishing, and I am especially grateful to be able to feel such companionship on my otherwise lonely inner journey.

I am beginning to understand my own true inner geography as being almost like uncharted territory, some places I have never even visited.  Since “meeting” you, I am beginning to realise and accept that some of my dreams (when asleep) are actually more real and informative about my past and my childhood than the superficial, conceptualised person I believed to be my self, this invented self to please others.  I am not assuming anything about myself now, I am just observing, trying to be open and learn.  I know I used to think I felt safe and self-confident in the world, but I think this was the invented self, at least to some degree.  That invented self logically only came into being because of lack of trust due to painful and inconsistent nurturing, so it is good that you speak to me about this.  I must learn to become aware of my (so far) unconscious beliefs about people and the world.  I don’t want to be a string-puppet playing someone else’s role any more.

When you say that as adults, we need to redefine trust, do you mean that a child (in an optimal situation) feels unlimited trust to its caregivers, whilst as adults we need to consider awarding differing degrees of trust, also on differing levels, depending upon the individuals concerned?  That would make sense to me.  Is that what you mean?

Regarding mothers and freedom, I actually always imagine that a good mother doesn’t need escaping from, because she should have recognised early on that it is her job to help you trust your own wings and learn to fly and be free to live your life, the way birds do.  It brings to mind something from my childhood: I bought myself a poster when I was about 8 or 9, it was of a beautiful sunset with a sole bird in flight, silhouetted against the sunset colours, with the text, “No ladder needs the bird, but skies”.  I understood it to mean that you already have the wings and the opportunities, and that freedom is there for the taking.

Actually, I have had a lot of opportunity to observe birds again recently.  I had been thinking of how much I miss seeing swifts and swallows, as there seem to be a lot less in recent years, and to my surprise a family of swallows has turned up in my garden!  It seems my garden is a perfect “flight practise” area for the young ones.  It makes me so happy as I love their gurgling chirps, the sound makes me feel so safe and comforted for some reason.  They come and sit on the fence in front of my kitchen window in the morning and then spend a couple of hours doing flight training around the garden, about 7 birds.  I can hear the little ones squawking excitedly about doing dives, so cute!

I believe people are wrong to assume that animals do not feel or have any sense, because I think birds are such excellent parents, so dedicated, so consistent and patient, their actions plainly speak volumes.  Well, to me anyway.  Many humans can’t hold a candle to a parent bird’s qualities for even one day with their own children.

How amazing to read your last paragraph in particular, you are so spot on regarding my inner process right now.  I think realising about my mother/parents and achieving more mental separation is beginning to happen and I realise too that it couldn’t take place as long as I was denying a lot of things, suppressing feeling my pain, etc.

Just right now, both with regard to my parents, but also to others (husband, past friends and partners), it is as if a roller blind keeps rising just a little and I get to see a glimpse of the extent of the pain I have put myself through with these supposed “friends/family” during my lifetime.  It is precisely as you said, that I failed to resist the “little abuse”, although some things were not little, but the feeling within me was of having to go along with them, that was the motor.  It is extremely painful to see these things and quite shocking and exhausting.  I feel I have been violated for much of my life.  It is a very ugly face of humanity, accompanied by the same kind of incomprehension I feel when I see pictures of Auschwitz or such places.

I sometimes have tried to dare and feel the old pain I mentioned.  It feels like a searing pain that threatens my senses, as if my heart had been torn from my chest and I cannot breathe.  I know I must move forward now though, for my own survival, so I have taken some concrete steps.  I have mixed myself a bottle of Bach Flower Remedies which I had at home, and ordered some that were missing (for letting go of the past).  I also had the impulse to seek a therapist locally to be physically with me when I revisit my painful memories.  It feels like I could not possibly survive it alone.  But I also feel that I need a witness to hear my story (as I’ve never spoken it aloud to anyone) and to witness me choosing to move on.   However … I got stuck on exactly the question of “who is a safe person”.  I had a spontaneous vision of what I felt I should do, but then I started to fear that I would be judged, rejected, not honoured, etc.  I fear opening up and then being disappointed, which feels so threatening when just daring to face the old pain feels like facing certain death.  I have decided to take some time out and see how I feel after sleeping on it.

When I touch on the old pain, I feel an anger arising in me – dear God! – it is alarming to say the least.  Anger towards those who caused my injuries.  Anger at the impotence I have to endure at never being able to change the past, and at my own impotence which lead to becoming a victim.  For a person who is a pacifist and usually very seldom angry, this feels like nursing a nuclear bomb.  It also makes me a little afraid of how I may react if I seek out a therapist and open the lid on my pain.

What comes to mind when you read this, Anita?  I know I have to take this journey.  I am trying to keep calm and give myself time, yet I need to get past this because I cannot keep living in limbo with my life on hold, so I have to act.

Juanita