To be fair, even for me it’s hard to understand my own mechanism of thoughts. I often find myself getting lost because i go deeper way too fast when i start to think about anything. I can barely focus on one thing at one time, usually i do many things at the same time to stay focused. What works for me normally, is to listen to classical music because i can listen to the harmonic progressions of the piece and at the same time enjoying the music itself without having to listen to the lyrics. Because lyrics make my brain works again, maybe even more, because i can’t stop thinking about the meaning of each words.

That’s true, i hate being explored, i’m far to be affective and i think i look and can be extremely cold. I don’t really have filters when i talk (i don’t take the time to think about putting filters on my words, my thoughts come and go way too fast for that haha..) Although, with that guy, i really tried my best to get out of my comfort zone as i felt he was worth it (and still he is). I always did my best to weight my sentences. Everything i did or tried to do for him, i never felt it was a burden for me. Actually it was a pleasure to think from a different side and pay more attention to what i did. When i was with him i became softer. As he’s someone extremely sensitive, i learned to put a little water in the wine. For the very first time in my life, i was/am ready to ameliorate some parts of me because i want/wanted to make things work between both of us.

In him mind, being in a relationship with you was dangerous. So he looked for a reason to end the relationship.” => And what if the danger here was simply the commitment? He was kind of a roller-coaster physically talking (but again, i told him i didn’t mind knowing what he went through), which wasn’t the case before we decided to give a real try. What if for him, being touchy/cuddly meant accepting to let someone getting closer to him and in my case it would mean accepting that we were getting attached to each other and therefore making real the commitment? What if his issues aggravated his intrusive thoughts concerning the relation/commitment? It sounds a bit far-fetched no? => What i wanted to explore in that part was the lack of physical interactions i mentioned some messages above during the last time we met before he decided to stop and in general. He said he didn’t feel comfortable with those kind of interactions. Which was extremely weird. Because before we decided to give a try, he was extremely cuddly/touchy. And from the moment we started to be more “serious” together, he became.. clumsy, it was like he didn’t know how to physically act anymore. Even holding my hand made him asking questions toward himself (“should i? shouldn’t i?”). And this is why i said “What if for him, being touchy/cuddly meant accepting to let someone getting closer to him and in my case it would mean accepting that we were getting attached to each other and therefore making real the commitment?”. I know myself and once i get comfortable and serious with someone i’m not afraid to show my physical affection, i’m not clingy but i’m not uncomfortable either with that. I’m pretty sure that his clumsiness regarding the physical interactions played a strong part in his decision to stop everything. And i really wonder why he started to be like that.

The point also is that we went too fast. From the moment he got his first panic-attack, we had a talk we weren’t supposed to have at this early stage. We talked about a decision to give a try, to see how it goes, to take things as they come and nothing more. I can hide myself behind all the expressions i want, it won’t change the fact that the real implicit and final idea was to be in a serious relationship on a longterm basis. I think we both wanted the same thing (otherwise he wouldn’t have accepted to give a try as well neither talked about “wedding”) but the fact that we had that conversation kind of formalized the situation and we stopped being “careless” and we cared way too much. It was too soon to have that conversation. But we didn’t have the choice i guess.  Not only him but also me, we pressured ourselves so much in a different way because we wanted to give our best to the other. Maybe he also thought i wanted more than he could give. And maybe i didn’t drop enough my walls because i always had this thought that being “perfect” was the only way for me to be accepted by someone. But eh, trusting at 100% someone isn’t something which is possible in only a few weeks no matter how comfortable you feel at first with the person.

I wish the situation could move faster, because i want to see if he would be ok to give one last try to a real relationship, what he thinks about me. But i know that’s not something possible, not at the moment at least. We have a lot to work on ourselves first and this is just not the time yet neither for him and even less for me. Also, what it’s “funny” is that actually none of us has met someone during the summer.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by Lea.