Hi Jeff,

I understand your worries about your children being statistics, I think that is a worry we all have to some extent. I don’t know about repeating the cycle though…both my brother and myself have divorced and our parents have been married for 43 years and have a great relationship. My new husband also comes from a family where his parents are still married after 42 years and are still so in love that it’s inspiring. So, even those that come from ‘intact’ families can become divorce ‘statistics’ as well.

I believe that the worry about your children being statistics and potentially setting them up to repeat the cycle is mostly driven by guilt. For me I feel guilty that I couldn’t provide my son with the ‘intact’ secure family that I grew up in and I know my brother and my new husband feel the same.

I’m so glad to hear that you and your ex-wife understand the importance of remaining amicable. One would say ‘how could you not after your own upbringings’ but believe me, I know plenty of people that haven’t learnt from those experiences. Have you thought that perhaps you are breaking the ‘cycle’ by your ex and yourself being amicable? That you are teaching your children tolerance, love and understanding…all essential skills for a successful life?

Life after divorce will come when you are ready. You may not become a ‘better’ person per se, particularly if you are happy with who you are now…but I can pretty much guarantee that you will come out of it stronger. No one can experience the grief you are experiencing now and not grow from it in some way, shape or form. As I said before, just take the time to grieve. Right now, just focus on getting through each day, focus on the joys where you can (your children, for example), and congratulate yourself at the end of each day for getting through it.