Dear Aum:

You are welcome. Fear is a strong motivator not only for your boyfriend, but for everyone, myself included. You mentioned that you have an anxiety disorder, anxiety is about fear, repeating or ongoing fear (while we are not facing imminent and present danger).

Here is what I suggest: place your mental health as your top priority. Of all the people you are able to choose to be in your life or not- choose those who either don’t harm your mental health or promote your well being, and keep those who somehow harm your mental health out of your life.

I am not saying that your boyfriend harms your mental health. I know that you are troubled by some of his behaviors, but that doesn’t mean that overall he is bad for your mental health. From what you shared, he is a very nice guy, to others, like you said. But if his behaviors are bad for your mental health, then he doesn’t belong in your life.

Here is a very common scenario that many women get stuck in (I am not saying that this applies to you, but maybe you can take something out of it): they are in a relationship with a man and they often complain about the relationship, a lot, and their message is: if only he will change, everything will be okay, I will be okay. But he doesn’t change and the woman stays and complains. She doesn’t realize that she needs to change (to accept him or leave him). She keeps insisting that he changes while she herself is unable or unwilling to change. And so, she is not healthier or more courageous than the man she is complaining about.

anita