I have been taking a break due to being super busy in the home dealing with “projects.” So I will try to answer some of your questions. I suggest reading about codependency first and doing the exercises or activities at the end of the chapters in The New Codependency by Melody Beatty. See what you think and what feels really hard or really easy.

I believe humans who have this overly need to control do it because they feel anxiety, or they need validation because their self esteem is low, or they are narcissists or sociopaths or maybe a million other things I can’t bring to mind right now. I do it when I am not feeling good about myself within myself as a way to manage my world. But it is a fallacy to think we can control the world or others. We can only control ourselves and to be focused on changing and controlling someone else is avoiding the work, the emotional work, we come to this world as human beings to do. It is easier to focus on what is wrong with someone else than to work on ourselves because change is freaking hard. But worth the struggle and worth the time and self love.

The opposite of needing control is acceptance or maybe detachment in Al Anon language. The Serenity Prayer is full of acceptance. Acceptance of life, acceptance of other people as they are and how they are, and acceptance of ourselves. In some forms of therapy, it is called “radical acceptance.” We practice this daily, just like we practice our driving or cooking skills every day that we drive or cook. I like this quote, I am exploring a book by the author right now but its very deep and I think you should start with something else first. “Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. Make it your friend and ally, not your enemy. This will miraculously transform your whole life.” -Eckhart Tolle

What this quote is talking about is the opposite of control, it is about acceptance of today and embracing what life is giving us for today. It is about the now that we live, without trying to change everyone and everything around us. And by the way, many CODA meetings are now on zoom. I am doing a support group on zoom, it is almost as good as attending in person and actually, it is kinda nice to have that barrier of not being in person sometimes as it allows me to think more deeply instead of being focused on people in the room.

I am not gung ho on the describing a full picture of what your ideal relationship would be but I can see that perhaps it allows us to see the delusions or the irrationality. No relationship is going to be perfect. Sex won’t be perfect all the time, things happen, people get sick and maybe our partners can’t for a short or long while. To have this ideal, this totally painted picture, feels like any real relationship would not measure up. If we have these ideals, then what human can meet them? It is okay to have fantasy if we know it is fantasy. But if we think our fantasy is attainable, this may lead us to lots of emotional heartache. I know Anita asked you to paint this picture, just think about radical acceptance and reality vs. my fantasy man. I am married to my fantasy man and he sure is human, he sure does things that annoy me like anyone else would! LOL. I am his fantasy woman and the first few years of our marriage, we argued all the time because our marriage was good but not “fantastic” like he thought in his irrational mind what it “should be.” Shoulds and musts have to be dropped as they aren’t helpful in our everyday lives, they negate our path to acceptance of life and of ourselves and of others. What can be beautiful about a variety or responses to us is that we learn from each and we find pieces in each that meet our needs. I do find you very admirable to be willing to change yourself and to be seeking a better future for yourself. I admire your honesty and desire for self growth.