Hi Anita,

Many things happened since the last time I wrote here. The first and certainly most important one is that summer holidays are officially over, which means that I left my mother’s house to go back to my place where I live alone one week ago.

I didn’t realize that she was consuming that much energy from me until now. She is ALL the time angry/stressed/negative about something, someone, me. The slightest thing which doesn’t fit into her criterias makes her in that state (e.g: me not wiping the water in the shower, like, I cleaned the shower but I didn’t wipe the water which is CLEAN because I let it dry. For her it’s not clean, it’s dirty because of the presence of the water. Or when I wake up after 9:00am, it’s too late. Or if for once I let her cooking, she will get angry because for her I don’t participate enough at home while I do the laundry, I cook and we share the vacuuming task.).

I told her many times I wasn’t in a good mood during the whole summer, that my mental issues were kicking me extremely hard lately and therefore I wasn’t going to be good at anything as I needed to REST a LOT. Still, she succeed to blame me about me being apathetic towards everything and everyone. She even went through a small depression for two weeks because of my step-father who didn’t fit into her high expectations. And she basically expected me to help her to get better because I started to be myself a bit better. But I told her that wasn’t my role and that I started to feel alive again so that wasn’t the moment for her to mess with me and that she had to deal with her “issues” alone.

Honestly, I suspect her to be a sort of energetic vampire. She ALWAYS drains all my energy, many times since I’m a kid, she kind of transfers all her negativity/doubts on me, I’m not sure if I express this point correctly. I know I have a highly sensitive personality and with her kind, it’s really easy for me to feel stressed and anxious because even when she doesn’t express properly her negativity i can sens from miles away that something is wrong.

You asked me to develop “Usually people qualify me as the ‘perfect little daughter, wifey material”- can you elaborate on this sentence?”. Well, this is not complicated to explain, I was raised to be perfect, not to be myself. Having the best grades, playing music (piano, violin), being in special sections (since I was 11 and until my 17 I was in a class where I had 8h of language in addition in my schedule, it’s considered as the most elitist thing in my country for a child because our classes in mathematic/lit-terature/history/geography were in a foreign language), playing golf, being extremely well mannered, wearing fancy brands (Burberry, DKNY, Escada etc..). I’ve NEVER EVER been comfortable in this role. The only thing I got from all of that was a durable anxiety.

Anyway, since I’m back to my place, I feel so much more relaxed. I feel I can finally recover for real. Being myself again.

Secondly and that was clearly unexpected, I saw him today. Like, I was going to a café, I got lost and he appeared all of sudden, out of nowhere. Well, not really because apparently we were near to his new university and he had started his classes one week ago. But still, out of how many chances I could meet him today at this place?

It has been three weeks we haven’t talked since I blocked him after messaging him. I missed him a lot and I didn’t understand why. It was normally part of my process when I want to move on, sending one last message to sum up my thought and the situation and after erasing the presence of the person from everywhere. Not because I force myself to forget someone but simply because I think once I’m ready to move on, the person/memories/gifts take too much places and I like having my minds and my physical space cleaned, like keeping only what’s really necessary. I don’t know if I’m totally clear here.

Point is, I thought I was going to process in a similar way with him and that what I missed was simply the memories and the thought of someone therefore it would be easily forgettable. Mostly because we spent only a few weeks giving a try. Well, that wasn’t the case. Three weeks after blocking him and almost four months after he decided to stop, I really thought if I had to see him again I would feel neutral, indifferent and that would have proved my point that I wasn’t really attached to him. How wrong I was.

That will sound stupid what I write now but when I saw him today, I felt again it was like a love at first sight. I thought we would spend 5min together and nothing more. We spent 1h30 talking together and I felt that he made the conversation lasting as much as he could (he asked me if I would fancy a visit of his university while we were just talking about his new classmates).

I don’t know what will happen or not, what I’m sure is that I missed the person not the thought of someone. I somehow feel “reassured” in the sens that I know now I really value him and not the reflection of me I can see in someone else.

Those past few months with him have been extremely messy for me and I think I know why. You once wrote that for him “he is living with his mother, who is quite dangerous to him. He can be taking breaks from her (being physically close to her) by talking with you (being physically father away from him and overall less dangerous than his mother).”. This statement is totally true for me. I think everything got mixed, my feelings for him which are actually reals, my mental issues and my issues with my mother. I didn’t only overreacted towards him but towards everything. I was a vulcano erupting. Now it’s time for to get better, it’s going to be a long road but I will do it.

Again, thank you Anita, for your words, your patience and your wisdom.