Hello that’s so generous of you

Ex-husband – small stuff at first lies around things like how much he was drinking, smoking, porn issues, video game use etc. Showing me more who he thought he should be while privately fostering all these kind of ‘vices’ I guess. Things that would of maybe not even been a big deal if they weren’t things he was being constantly caught in. He would lie about things like drinking energy drinks too or just almost anything. The worst of it included other female relationships, legal troubles, problems at work, seemingly I rarely could ever get the whole story of virtually anything. I always was left sort of trying to sift through what was me being anxious from being lied to so much vs him gaslighting me vs what was the full story. I think I was kind of left with well there’s sort of many things I won’t ever know the full story of. I know he didn’t always have totally up and up things with other women BUT I couldn’t tell you for sure if way more happened than I ever found out about or if nothing happened outside of what I knew about and I was just so paranoid by the end. I lived in almost a never-ending sense of dread and mistrust of him and myself really. The other side of the coin is he really overall can be a pretty decent person sometimes, very hard working almost a bit of a Jekyll and hyde maybe.

My mom was really young and I never knew my dad and she has mental health issues. She wasn’t around much, we lived with my grandparents some, she has an explosive temper and exposed me to lots of unsafe situations as she dated through my childhood. Physical but mostly emotional abuse (lots of really hateful and awful things were said to me as a child and rarely did anyone really parent me or show up for me, I rarely even ate a meal with an adult). Similarly only my family members and one or two of my moms friends that have known her through her life really saw how much abuse we had. She is very good at putting on the right look and making things appear normal still today and was in my childhood.

I am not sure exactly why that seems relevant to say but it came up as a contrast for me here. They are both people that you would think you could trust if you met them but there’s another side to the coin. I do find myself worrying about that in many of my relationships like when will this person change or flip on me? What clues do I need to watch for etc…

Overall I feel like I have some of these things under control a bit / have processed them but in love relationship as intense as my current one I see the anxiety coming up.