To address your points, Anita…

No, my ex is a very non-materialistic person. Well, at least she was with me. I was very generous with gifts, and it would make her uncomfortable on occasion because she did not know how to express her gratitude. I think the point I was trying to make is she typically only calls when she can use my help or wants to vent to someone. Help in the sense of assisting with her resume or job application, or to vent about work, etc. She has never (pre- or post-relationship) asked for money or gifts. She values time and experiences.

And, no, I do feel I hold any anger toward her for seeking a partner or at least a relationship. It helps to quell the lonliness. She was lonley much of the time in DC, when I was working and in school, so I cannot berate anyone seeking contentment. Especially in this crazy year of social isolation. Thing the “sting” was more of an excitement about possibly doing an “adventure” again–as we used to call them. While she was largely alone in DC, I made sure that we did something nearly every weekend. We put many miles on our feet and my Jeep exploring DC and the surrounding area. Those are some of my fondest memories, and the “sting” came in believing they may happen again in the future if she is single.

I am not going to pursue things with her for a few reasons. First, I need to work on myself. There are things about me I need to get a handle on (depression, a sense of purpose, opening up to others, etc.) before I pursue another relationship–or consider trying to rekindle things with my ex. Second, I want her to be happy. Even if it is not with me. She mentioned that she and her current beau were very open and honest from the start–something she and I were not. Which surprised me when she called a few weeks back, and in the conversation, mentioned that they had a fight. She was vague but she was making dinner and he was over and wanted him to help start the water in the shower so her kid could bathe. Either he didn’t want to or didn’t figure out that he needed to help? Not sure but I believe he was unsure if he wanted to take a paternal role in the relationship. (Not entirely sure but things are apparently better now? My concern is that another man will enter her son’s life only to possibly disappear. And he may not have the desire to remain in it as I have. However, that is something she will have to grapple with if/when the time comes. And who knows? Maybe they are meant to be?

The “happiness” I worry about compromising maybe isn’t happiness at all? Perhaps it was more of a longing and regret that I’ve been working to overcome. I truly love her son and my relationship with him likely caused me to stay with her longer than I should have. I saw DC as a new start for me, and when she showed up, I felt pressure to take care of her. To make sure she had groceries or got out of the house on the weekends. Sadly, not in the time and proximity dimensions she so desperately wanted. She finished grad school last summer and made a good friend at work, so there were a few weekends I did not see her. I was still in grad school, so it’s not as though I had any time to date, even if I wanted to. Any desire for that would have felt, for me, like a slap in her face. Now that it’s been 6-months since I’ve finished grad school, and being isolated, alone in a new town, this perpetuated and intensified my feelings for her. I don’t know, Anita. Most of our conversations were always so easy and effortless–to include her calls now–part of me wishes I could have allowed myself to embrace the relationship in a deeper, more meaningful way.

Ryan