V, Rowena, Jeff,

30 year marriage. Been out of the house almost 3 years, waiting on final Divorce decree.

My experience is so similar to what you have described.

Losing my best friend. I signed on the dotted line with the whole ‘death do us part.’

Rediscovering my spiritual practice and returning to my authentic self. Finding a supportive group of people. Avoiding the blame game.

But there has been a death. The marriage, the relationship, the promise of happily ever after has died. Feelings of failure, grief, fear, anger, hurt, betrayal are all in the mixing bowl. I have like you embraced these emotions and found new strength and clarity.

The old shoe. Familiar, but not necessarily comfortable. Confusing.

What I have discovered in these three years of intensive work is my dysfunction, my addiction to certain roles and behaviors. Her dysfunctions and addictive patterns were perfectly dovetailed to fit with mine.

In that way we were perfect for each other. There was and still is a lot of love there. Always will be. The old shoe was too tight. Familiar, but when I took it off, realized the relationship was over there was an emotion that surfaced beyond the suffering.

Relief.

As I grew outside of the relationship, I finally decided that I was no longer willing to go back. Decidere Latin to prune, cut away. Yes I love her. Yes I miss her. Those are authentic parts of me too. But at the core I knew. Deciding not to continue didn’t make the hurt go away, but my direction became clearer.

I have moved beyond the single bullet theory of relationships. I am willing to risk that vulnerability in another relationship. My prayer is that I have the wisdom to chose a partner that I can grow with. I also have discovered that just because I fall in love with someone doesn’t mean I have to marry them.

My hope is that by sharing some of my journey you will find continued strength in yours. These are common threads in our humanity and it is reassuring to know that I am not alone.

Namaste,
Jerry