Dear Saraswati:

“I can’t decide whether I should be showing compassion and understanding or whether I should give up on him?”-

– I suggest that you give up on him as a life- partner and as one who lives with you and your daughter, and have compassion for him as a person who lives separately from you, and who has no unsupervised time with your daughter.

“I find the bigger question and debate is, can I show compassion to someone like him?”- yes, show him compassion for as long as he is not hurting you and your daughter. When a person yells at you, hits you, etc.- it is not appropriate to respond with compassion. The appropriate response is to get away from him and stay away.

“Is this his brain injury- something he needs support with, or his personality- something unlikely to change”- yes he needs support, professional support, but he refuses to look for it. If he looked for professional support, the professional would guide him and you on how to support him.

Reads to me that he may have truly suffered a brain injury. But think of this: if a man who never suffered a brain injury break your bones=> your bones are broken. If a man who suffers from a brain injury breaks your  bones=> your bones are broken.

From what you shared, it does seem to me that if you stay with him, you will indeed be “just rolling over and him dominating our life with his frustrations”.

But I do understand that it is scarier and feels more difficult to confront problems and make changes than it is to roll over. This is why so many people roll over. I hope you can do better for yourself and for your daughter.

anita