Dear sad.cloud:

You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation.

“I do honestly see the connection between my anxiety and my childhood”- I am glad to read this, because there is a huge connection.

“I do believe I had some genetic predisposition and suffered many triggering events leading to my extreme guilt and learned OCD tendencies”- yes, I learned that certain disorders, like OCD, happens more in some families than in other families, but what I also learned is that every single child (no exceptions)  is predisposed to be physically/ neurologically harmed by prolonged, overwhelming anxiety.

What kind of harm may depend partially on genetics, some predisposed to OCD, others to psychosis perhaps, but every child is predisposed to harm in some form.

“If there was one thing you could tell me what you learned from your OCD journey, what would it be?”-

1. I ended all contact with my mother back in 2013. I had to remove from my life the person who repeatedly inflicted that overwhelming anxiety on me and who abused me- because every time I saw her or heard her voice or  interacted with her – my excessive anxiety was maintained and my OCD fueled.

Notice what happens with your sister: as an adult, she visits your mother with her innocent, loving toddler. The two year old shows affection to someone, and your mother is “automatically hurt and makes (your) sister feel guilty for her daughter does not appreciate everything her grandma has done for her and is so disloyal”- how can your sister possibly heal if she is re-exposed to the same abuse (and exposing the next generation to the same abuse)?

And how can you heal when you are exposed to your sister and your niece being currently mistreated by your mother.. (?)

You wrote: “Most of my interactions I had or still have with my mother end up in some sort of conflict”- this ongoing conflict is maintaining the harm done to you in childhood. In other words, your abusive childhood is.. still happening.

2. I attended a few years of quality Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which helps a whole lot with “this black and white form of thinking” that you mentioned. I learned how to not “hold myself to some higher standard than anyone else”, in other words: I accepted that I am not perfect, that no one is and no one will ever be perfect. I finally accepted my past mistakes, poor judgement and .. I even accepted that I was unfair and hurtful to others, that I have harmed others- the latter was the most difficult thing to accept. I was able to come to peace regarding hurting/ harming others because I am and have been doing my best to be the imperfectly best person I can be, for so very long. And I finally learned to direct my empathy to myself, no less than to any other person.

3. I was introduced to Mindfulness during that CBT therapy. Through mindful meditations and exercise I was able to become more and more aware of how I operate: cognitively (thinking), emotionally (feeling) and physically (bodily sensations), being better able to take care of myself and over a long period of time, I became able to feel less fear than I felt before.

There is more, of course, but you are welcome to continue our communication and we can talk about much more.

anita