Dear Explorer:

You shared that you were pampered in the sense that you “had everything material”; you were driven around, given opportunities, shown love “by actions, not words”. Your parents never said “I love you” or that they are proud of you, and “feelings were not discussed”.

Your parents did not discuss/ talk about/ vocalise feelings but they expressed their feelings nonetheless with their look of disapproval (“‘the look’.. the way I am looked at that I think means they do not approve”).

Their look of disapproval was very effective: it accomplishing the aim of causing you to doubt your choices, and feel fear, shame and/ or guilt. Being as effective as it was-  there was no need to add yelling  (“They also didn’t yell much”), or  words (“but they never say anything”).

“I always just anticipate their disappointment or think they would disapprove. Which is weird, because I don’t remember my parents disapproving many of my actions”-

– they probably gave you that disapproving look many times when you were a child,  and that is why your parents, together with their disapproving look, are absent from a lot of your childhood memories (“about childhood memories.. in a lot of them, my parents aren’t.. around.. I can’t see them”)-

– you can’t see them= you can’t see The Look. We tend to not remember what is painful to remember.

You expressed that you are afraid to tell your parents that you are seeing someone new, because if you did, and the relationship did not work out, your parents will think of you as a failure (“I fear failure.. my parents would look down on me and my feelings”)- you want to avoid their next disapproval. You are still afraid of The Look.

A young child, by the way, does not misinterpret a look- without prior experience there is nothing to taint or distort a child’s perception of her parents’ visible emotions.

For a young child, the parents are like a mirror: the child sees herself by looking/ hearing/feeling (ex. hugs) her parents. When you saw their disapproving look, you saw an image of yourself as a person worthy of disapproval.

You wrote that they did not vocalise love to you when you were a child- did  they hug you? If they hugged you, did they not say a word while hugging you?

anita