Dear miyoid:

This will be another long post, please take time reading it, especially the part following the *

You explained that your mother ignored the big problems in her marriage for a long time, becoming “really distant”, but she didn’t break the marriage until something happened that she could no longer ignore: her father died, and in combination with the fact that her husband prevented her from seeing her father while he was alive, she got very depressed for about a year. Only then did she end the marriage. She told you later about her 15 year old marriage: “I’ve stopped being in that relationship years ago when I understood that nothing is going to change”. Although she is out of her marriage, she “still gets away from..  problems”.

You suggested that maybe you are “like that”, like your mother, that is, ignoring the big problems in your relationship with your lived-in boyfriend, and will not break that relationship unless something big happens that you cannot ignore.

* You wrote today regarding your mother: “I can understand her but the things I’m living are nothing to her, when compared. But then again, it’s not easy. I know. All in all, this is my kind of hard”-

– you expressed this point before, that both your parents suffered more than you did, and that your mother downplayed/ dismissed/ ignored your struggles and misery, giving you the message that your misery is nothing compared to hers.

In July 21, 2020, you wrote regarding your parents and then, regarding your mother: “I know that they have much more traumatizing lives… I have started to give clues about how I feel to my mother the past year.. This  made me realize my mother’s tendency to neglect others’ misery even more… when I talk with my mom, I see that because of all the drama and trauma she was born into, she looks down on and doesn’t respect others’ misery all the time… I have explained her the past year several times that it’s not the right thing to compare one’s misery to an other’s.. She has an extreme empathy towards animals and innocent people. But then again, when I try to talk about a huge problem in my little world, it’s not relatable for her. That was always the case… maybe I have to accept that she’ll always be like that. She won’t care that much, she would not understand”.

miyoid, it was never as clear to me as it is today:

Your mother downplayed/ dismissed/ ignored/ looked down on your childhood misery—> you downplay/ dismiss/ ignore/ look down on your own misery.

Your mother did not have empathy for you—> you do not have empathy for yourself.

It seems to me that your mother’s invalidation (downplaying, dismissing, etc.) of your hurt feelings/  misery was extreme.

In addition, it may feel to you that if you have empathy for yourself you will be like your father, who expressed that he is always a victim, no matter what. You don’t want to be like him.

In June 25, 2019, you wrote regarding your parents: “I have never shown them the hurt version of me, they think that I’m a healthy, strong person”- this means that your hurt/ misery was never seen by any of your parents- but not because is wasn’t visible and audible, but  because they were focused on their own misery, not on yours. All they could see was themselves; they didn’t see you.

But your hurt and misery existed and it still exists-  it is immense. I can see it all through your many posts over the years. For your childhood hurt and misery to stop leaking into your every day life and future, it needs to be validated.  It is necessary that you no longer downplay, dismiss, ignore and look down on your hurt and misery. Instead- validate it, respect it, honor it because it’s very much there and has been for so long, so long that at 22 or 23 you feel like an old, old woman.

Replace apathy toward yourself with empathy.

Regarding the rest of your posts today: you agreed with me that you and the man you  live with fear abandonment (now I am thinking that your apathy toward your hurt and misery is a form of self-abandonment), that you both feel empty (now I am thinking.. you are empty of empathy for yourself), that you both don’t have a strong sense of identity (.. the hurt and misery have to be validated and integrated into your understanding of who you are).

You are used to downplaying your own misery/ bad life situations including your live-in situation with this man. To an outsider, it looks like a bad situation to live with a man who gathers razors and whatnot so to kill himself.. but when a person is used to ignore, dismiss, downplaying her situation since childhood, a person keeps doing the same thing in adulthood.

I am looking forward to your thoughts about this post, but only when you have the time, as I know how busy you are.

anita