Hi Anita,

Thanks for your thoughtful (but, to me, confusing) reply.

Are you separating the emotion itself (love? or something else) from the target of that ‘love?’   I was seeing it as an either/or proposition: I either actually DO love HER… or else I’m in love with my mental model of her, not the actual person.  Perhaps your approach is better: am I feeling love?  Yes.  Do I love HER, or my IDEA of her?  My IDEA of her.  If seen in that light, then it makes sense.

Though still, for me, I’m not even certain it’s love.  Never been there before, so I’ve nothing to compare it to.  I’ve run across a number of other ‘conditions’ that appear to be love: limerence, infatuation and others… and I’ve no idea how to tell them apart for sure.  Maybe there IS no telling for sure, with slippery things like emotion.  I do far better with objective things than with subjective ones.  Emotions were always something I tried NOT to deal with; I’d either shove ’em into the dungeon and refuse to examine or question, or I’d drink at them.  This “sitting with” grief and sorrow is not characteristic of me, and is also new ground.  Not sure “where” I’m supposed to be going with it, or what I’m supposed to be “doing” with it.  Unless maybe just letting it “run it’s course” and ‘honoring’ the feelings is the way to go?

Just too much I don’t know about how to effectively process emotions.  At least I’m not drinking!  Though I’m sure I’m being pretty unpleasant to be around.  “Happy, joyous, and free” I’m not; “Restless, irritable, and discontent” I certainly am.

Wife keeps asking me  “What’s wrong” with me.  Huh.  I’m so cynical and pessimistic about our relationship at this point that all I can see is self-interest at work: “who’s going to take care of ME if there’s something wrong with YOU?” not like she actually cares about ME and what I might be going through.  BUT… I don’t even trust my own take on what I think I “see” though, as I’ve talked myself onto more than one ledge in the past, only to find that what I thought was not what actually was.  And what am I supposed to tell her?  “Gee, hon, sorry, I just fell in love with this other woman and now she’s up and disappeared, so I’m hugely bummed out.”  I’m sure that will make things better for everyone.  🙁

I really often feel that this is just all too much.  Too much work, too much confusion and uncertainty, too much worry about what others think, too much pain, and far, far too little reward for the effort put forth.  If this is all life holds, I’m really not much interested in playing anymore.  Too many battles, too many fronts, and no real idea of what I’m doing, or if what I AM doing is effective, neutral, or outright counterproductive.  I think maybe I was better off when those emotions were dormant… I wasn’t happy, but at least I wasn’t in such pain.