Lisa,

I’m sorry for your loss, and wish your grief heals well over time. It is important to give our bodies and minds the space they need to process all the information and feelings that arise during such painful times.

In regards to the instant messaging conversation and subsequent fallout, I think you errored in snooping. Kids, and especially boys becoming men have a split between their heart and their mind, where images of masculinity conflict and confuse. This goes away with time and maturity. Said differently, many children break away from parents by feeling and stating that they are “obligated but not inspired” to connect. Add on to that the stress of seeing and feeling grief, and it is no wonder he was venting feelings and thoughts to his friend.

My suggestion is you own up to your mistake and tell him you’re sorry for crossing a boundary. Tell him you respect his feelings and that however he feels, you love him and want him to be happy. Even if its with gritted teeth!

Then let him go! With time, love draws all thing back together. This is a good time for grieving your mom, not for figuring out relationships. The pain of loss will make you selfish, making things about you that are not. This is OK! Its OK to lash out, wail and flail, though it usually heals better when we do it to a pillow or trusted friend rather than our children.

Ask yourself, would it have hurt so much if your response had been “oh, he is feeling drained and icky and said unkind things.” My three year old has told me she doesn’t love me, but when I heard that it only sounded like her in pain, her heart feeling icky. It didn’t have to be about me at all. Were I still grieving the death of my father I would have inappropriately made it about me.

With warmth,
Matt