Dear Janet:

Yes, what you wrote makes sense to me:

“I am afraid of being in a relationship because I love my freedom too much”- you love your freedom a lot because growing up as a child, you did not have freedom, you were trapped. Therefore, you very much appreciate freedom, and you don’t want to be trapped again!

The reason the stories of your girlfriends in college scared you so much is because you already experienced some of what they experienced, not with romantic partners- but at home:.”(your girlfriends) were unhappy or afraid because their partner was controlling or abusive in some way”- but so have you been: unhappy and afraid at home because your father was controlling or abusing in some way.

I don’t want to be controlled”- because you very well know how it feels to be controlled.

“Before going to college, I was not afraid of men”- except for one:

“He loses his temper quickly, but he never raised a hand on us”- you didn’t know the first 100 times or more that the will not raise his hand on you, when he lost his temper. You were afraid that he will, or worse.

Thing is, when we grow up afraid, we instinctively numb ourselves to the fear, best we can.. we almost get used to it and are able to minimize it. As adults we don’t remember that much fear, but the fear was very much there, and we keep being afraid as adults.

And your girlfriends, they also did not have good home lives, that’s why they make the choices they make in regard to boyfriends, and why they stay in abusive relationships.

anita