Dear Sofioula:

Welcome back! I intend this post to be one of a series of posts in which I will review some of what you shared in your previous threads, and eventually offer you my understanding.

You first posted in January 2019. You were 24 at the time. You shared that you broke up with your first ever boyfriend the December before, after you told him that you want a future with him (“in 2 or 3 years I would be considering to start a family and get married”), and he refused (“he flat out denied any future with me”).

At the time, you wanted a family and marriage with him after he displayed the following behaviors: “All through our relationship he would only meet me twice a week, on specific hours.. Sunday mornings he would put an alarm for no reason other than me leaving his place early. He would never take me home with his car, even though he knew I had to take 3 buses and walk a great deal.. He never gave me a flower, even though he knew I loved them… when I was very ill and at his place, he told me a flat out lie to avoid bringing me home with the car”.

After breaking up with him, you called him “to give him one last chance”, and his response: “he yelled and screamed at me and hung up the phone”.

Six months later, in June-July 2019, you elaborated on the night you were sick and he did not offer to take you home, even though he had a working car: “I took three buses whilst feverish and next half hour I texted him that I loved him so much and I was so lucky to have him.. in fact, I DID believe I was lucky and never had it ever cross my mind that he was a douchebag.. I thought his behavior was normal and loving even… consciously I didn’t perceive any mistreatment happening. I couldn’t make that connection, my brain was not sensing it at all.. To this day I don’t get offended by his mistreatment… A ‘normal’ person would have been furious! And ..ALL.. the people that hear my story do get enraged!!!! So how come I don’t?”

You added this about your sex life with him: “I enjoy and adore being submissive and/ or mistreated.. it boils down to liking the man to get off his sexual tension on me with rage.. being angry, violent (not to the point of harming me though) is what I find sexy. My role is to accept all of it and obey to his needs. Kind of like a rug doll. It sounds really bad I know, but it’s so appealing for me.. I really enjoy being restrained”.

About your childhood experience, you wrote in the summer of 2019 (“their” and “they” refer to your parents): “my sister was and is their main preoccupation. She is explosive, a bit narcissistic  and my parents had a hard time, so little me thought oh, let’s be the exact opposite, the obedient one, the selfless, in order to be a priority… My family situation has always  been this: my sister first, my sister most. She was the center of my parents’ attention, she still is to this day because she is a difficult person, FULL of anger and explosive behaviors.. I received less attention because they think I’m strong and capable.. They call me the survivor, the fighter, the logical one and the sweetness in their lives.. They always say, ‘other parents don’t have those situations.. because their children are normal”.

*Next post will probably be in about 16 hours from now.

anita