Alana,

I’m sorry its so tough for you right now, I hope you find your better days soon. There are few things that come to heart as I consider your words.

One of my teachers told me that when we go through dramatic changes we do the best if we give them space. In Buddhism, it is said that the greatest force for change is patient endurance. Much like a flower bulb needs time to open after it is planted, our bodies need time to heal from traumas. You are doing great! Overcoming addiction is tough. Tough! Right now, that is taking a lot of your energy.

Its important to give ourselves space to heal. Self care, such as laying in bed, taking a bath, sitting in nature, cooking a meal… all these can be done with that patient endurance. “Yes, this feels icky now, but I am stepping each step with the courage to keep going… here is this feeling, and it will fade. I am healing with each moment that I make a healthy choice, it is OK to be patient.”

With each step, you’re getting distance from it. Over time, your body will heal, and that frees the inner strength that’s now focused on recovery. Then, you will have the strength to become the person you dream to be. She’s in there… she’s the one who is shedding unskillful habits.

Right now, in this moment, it is important to choose your battles carefully. If you try to recover all at once, it is like banging your head into a rock. Trust that as you keep moving forward, what is tough now becomes easy as you practice. Said differently, each big thing that you work on takes effort, and that effort can tire us out. If you work on too many things at once, you might just be tired all the time.

For now, consider breathing meditation to help build patience. It can help us build concentration (increasing your strength) and help us let go and relax. It also helps us calm our minds so that we have the endurance to get through tough times. On YouTube, you can search for “jayasaro (5) counting breaths”, which has a simple and effective method.

Do you have a sponsor? Often times, being able to connect with someone who knows the struggle can help us believe that recovery is not just possible, it is who we really are finally getting to come out and play. At AA, did you open up to the group? I’ve found that this world is full of loving and wise people, and when we bear our soul to them we are not only given help seeing “what’s next, what’s here, what to do”, but also in raw strength in knowing we are loved.

I know you can do this. I’ve seen it done by people, and you seem to be asking all the right questions and having all the right frustrations. The main point at this point is you need nurturing. Hug, bathe, sing, sleep, breathe, talk… healthy ways of saying to your body that you are beautiful and deserve special care and attention. It does! You do!

With warmth,
Matt