Dear llyana:

I too was on a number of psychiatric medications for many years (1995 – 2013). Looking back, none of it helped me long-term. I experienced a relief from obsessive thinking when I first took an SSRI anti-depressant (Sertraline), and there were initial reliefs of anxiety and a wonderful feeling of calm during the first times that I took a benzodiazepine (Clonazepam), but my healing started and continued not in 1995, but in 2011 because I experienced my first quality psychotherapy that year.

Like you, I used to think that if I didn’t take the medications, I would be in a worse situation than I was. But looking back, outside a temporary relief here and there (sometimes the relief was just in the thought that I am taking a pill, aka the placebo effect), my situation did get worse during the years of taking psychiatric medications.

When I finally had my first quality therapy experience in 2011, I learned that the medications I took, could have helped me back in 1995 for the relief affect they provided (from obsessive thinking and anxiety) if I embarked on quality therapy at the time, and for a short time, a few months to a year, I am guessing.

Regarding your bi-polar diagnosis and not having had a panic attack for years- maybe you no longer fit this diagnosis. Maybe you fit the diagnosis of a major depressive disorder (MDD). I received a serious psychiatric diagnosis that was correct at the time, but I no longer fit the criteria of that diagnosis. A  psychiatric diagnosis does not have to be a forever diagnosis.

If you get re-evaluated and receive a different diagnosis, an MDD perhaps, the wonderful sounding residential care program staff will not be more concerned about you experiencing a manic episode while there than any other patient.

anita