Hi Anita… that seems an accurate enough summation.  The old saw, “Marry in haste, repent at leisure” often comes to mind.  It was an “impulse marriage;” just seemed like ‘the right thing to do’ at the moment.  We were both out “in the world,” on our own, for the first time, and maybe the attraction was that of familiarity in new and at times stressful environments.

I just look back at who, what, and how I was at that time (which was a very confusing time as well), and I truly had no business being either in the Military OR getting married, to anyone.  I don’t think I was truly qualified to make either decision informedly, in the way that a child cannot sign a legally binding contract.

We’ve been together for over fifty years.  Met in the seventh grade; drifted apart and back together a bit… then clinched things with marriage.  I can’t imagine what she saw in me… maybe a tractable “fixer-upper?”

I’m sad at the way my friendship with my AA ‘girlfriend’ ended.  I’m also relieved that I didn’t have to look into my wife’s eyes, the woman I’ve shared almost all of my life with, ‘for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health’… and tell her that I was in love (or so I thought) with somebody else.  I don’t think I could live with myself for doing that, assuming I worked up the resolve and courage to do so.  I can’t knowingly inflict that kind of pain/harm on someone, just to buy my own (anticipated-but-not-assured) happiness.  I also don’t think said ‘girlfriend’ would be happy with what was left afterwards, even had she been so inclined.  Being wired the way I seem to be, I’d obsess over it, and I’m sure it would have overshadowed pretty much everything, ‘poisoning the waters.’   I’m told that nothing happens by mistake, and that things happen for a reason.  Not sure I believe in that (willing to admit the possibility, given I don’t know everything), but it seems that it worked out for the best for the ‘girlfriend,’ for my wife, and most likely for me as well.

Had my wife not pursued me initially, I’d most likely be living alone now (assuming I was still alive at all, which I think is a generous assumption).  I don’t think I’m “cut out” to mesh well with others.  STILL far too self-absorbed, bouncing around in my own little world, which I have to be yanked out of if she wants my attention, for the most part.  It’s just how I am, not a deliberate choice.  It’s my “default state,” to use a programming term (not a programmer, just familiar with what goes into it).  I can haul myself out of it, but it’s an effort of will, and requires steady attention.  It’s “work,” not something that comes naturally.  Also still far too apprehensive, and overly concerned with others’ opinion of me.  People = anxiety, worry, stress, and masks.  No people = me being content, puttering with some project, or sketching plans for some idea for another project, just doing whatever.  No real worries, other than a generalized sense of uneasiness at interfacing with ‘the world.’

Not sure what this says about me, or what to do with it.  AA says when I’m not sure, the best thing to do is nothing.  Which is where I’m at.  Finally fully realizing the degree of how discontented I am, and have been, but caught between the rock and hard place of loyalty -vs- personal happiness.  I don’t hate her; I bear her no ill will for anything (we’re all trying to get through, and we all do what we think we have to do to do it – – you operate with what you know and what you have at the time), I wouldn’t want to see her hurt in any way, I’d help or support her in anything… but it still feels like two separate individuals, who happen to live in the same house… with a lot of shared history.  Some good, some not so good.  We function well enough as a couple; she’s strong where I’m not, and vice versa.  Two partial people making up one effective whole one?  Don’t know about such things; my area of native expertise runs more to things and systems than to people.

It’s far from an intolerable situation… I just know that much better is possible.  I don’t know if a “start over” is possible at this late date… too much water under the bridge that would always be the 600 lb gorilla in the room.  I could continue as is and it would be okay… just not great.  Didn’t even know what ‘great’ was until I met “her,” and even that turns out to be more me projecting my desires *onto* her than anything else.  Still… it did wake something up in me that I’m still looking at, trying to understand what is is… and what to do with it, if anything.

As ever, thank you for your time and your thoughtful replies!