Dear lily:

He is an angry man and has been angry for a long time. Before his anger found residence in politics, it resided elsewhere, perhaps in his relationship with his mother:

Following you talking about your mother, “He said I was ‘too empathetic’ and accused me of ‘babbling on about my mom”- this may be evidence of his anger in regard to his mother.

For many months he refused to commit to a monogamous relationship with you and he refused to tell you “if he was dating other people, saying it was none of my business until we were committed”- maybe because his mother was possessive and he felt trapped and angry with her.

“Then things got really crazy, he said the most insulting things to me.. that I am ‘arrogantly incompetent’ and ‘babble on,’.. and that everything that was happening was my fault”, etc.- he may have been talking to his mother, inaccurately projecting her into you.

“intentionally hitting on my worst fears… But also while saying all of these things, telling me he wanted to work things out”- he wanted to be close with you but he was too angry to get close and remain close.

“It makes me think of how I spent years wanting my mom to accept me for who I am.. she never has.. and how I maybe replayed that dynamic in this relationship”- mothers are powerful and many adults replay the dynamics of their childhood relationships with the mother in their romantic relationships.

“I like to think that I am really good with people.. But here I failed and I can’t figure out why. How do I get back to a place of not doubting myself, and also how can I stop missing this person, or caring about whether he apologizes?”- it does not seem to me that his anger is result of you not being good with him, but a result of his conflicted and troubled relationship with his mother/ first strong attachment figure in life. Before I proceed, if you would like to, let me know what you think about what I wrote so far.

anita