Dear Ashmitha:

Inspired by the very intelligent and insightful posts right above, I am adding the following (please take your time reading the multiple posts submitted for you, including this one, and take your time to calmly and patiently consider and evaluate the content):

In April you wrote regarding previous relationships and current one: “subconsciously, I am looking for something ‘wrong’… It probably does stem from my fear of having a marriage like my parents“- because a woman is looking for something wrong in a relationship does not mean that when she finds something that is wrong- it must be her mistaken perception. I believe that in your current relationship, both are true: you looked for something wrong, and you found it.  There really is something wrong: (a) a lack of compatibility: he wants sex from you and nothing more; you want more, (b) dishonesty on his part (I will elaborate on the latter later in this post).

You also wrote: “I think I have a hard time fully trusting people and letting them in because I’m scared they will disappoint me, like my dad did“- again, because a woman doesn’t fully trust people and doesn’t let them in does not mean that every man she meets is trustworthy and should be let in!

Also, it is true that you did not adequately communicate with your boyfriend clearly and assertively, ex., in your original post yesterday, you wrote: “I’ve vocalized that I want more dates.. but I’ve mentioned it more playfully, so I think I need to be more stern”, and it is true that.. his only interest with you seems to be sex, and nothing more. More assertive communication on your part is unlikely to change his interest.

* Telling him playfully that you want more dates, reminds me of the “lol” in your April thread, regarding your father: “He would threaten my mom a lot, and hold knives to scare her. This did not scare me lol. I would go to the kitchen, get my own knife, and stand up to him”- you use humor to lower your anxiety/ diffuse expected or feared conflicts.

Back to your boyfriend: “When I bring up complaints, he just listens and never raises his voice at me. He acknowledges his mistakes. I appreciate his calmness“- at this time, after getting to  know him through your posts, over time- I think that him listening to you calmly, acknowledges his mistakes is his way to diffuse and de-escalate conflict (your complaint), a common strategy employed in customer service and public relations. He doesn’t really acknowledge his mistakes, he just makes you feel  better by faking such acknowledgement.

I suspect that when he says to you “things like ‘when we get married’ and ‘when we have kids’ etc.”, with no behavior that suggests such interests on his part- these are manipulative comments, aimed at keeping you interested and motivated to avail yourself to him. (These powerful and effective comments are easy to say, they don’t take any effort on his part, and they don’t cost him any money).

Back to what you shared in April regarding you standing up to your father so to protect your mother: “I would stand up to him… I saw myself as a stronger woman than she was, and I felt the need to protect her because she was a fearful person”-

– it is time for you to stand up to this (calm yet dishonest) man, and protect yourself from being further used and misused by him.

anita