Dear Roro:

First, I will repeat the factual part of your story best I can, just the facts of what happened (I am sure the account is not 100% accurate and that it is not complete, so please correct me): at about 18 or 19, you met a girl and went on a couple of dates. Following the second date, she called it off. A year later, right after she broke up with her boyfriend, she started talking with you “out of nowhere”. A seeming friendship started. Early on in the friendship, you told her that you had romantic feelings for her and she expressed to you that she is not interested in a romantic relationship. You then did not have contact with her for 2 days, but resumed the friendship, and over the next few months the two of you  talked over text everyday for 30-90 minutes a day, video chatted a lot, and whenever both were at university, you met up a few times and hung out for the day. You asked each other how your days were, talked about your struggles and sufferings in life, and often had a laugh together.  You then told her again that you had romantic feelings for her, and she told you that she is not interested in a relationship. Two months ago, you ended the friendship.

Second, I will repeat your thinking and feeling part of your story: she was the first person you dated and during the first 2 dates with her, you built up a lot of expectations, thinking that she was “the one”, and that you were going to marry her. When she returned into your life, seemingly as a friend, you wanted to resume dating and have a romantic relationship with her. You didn’t know how she felt about you, feelings at times that she is interested in you romantically and that she was giving you “a lot of mixed signals”. During the friendship, you thought about her a whole lot, and  you were very anxious (“I just felt constant really intense anxiety.. like I was being tortured.. the fact we weren’t in a relationship hurt too much”). Feeling so badly, you ended the friendship.

Two months after ending the friendship and no longer talking with her, you feel that you are “in a pit that I can’t get out of. I think about her all the time. She’s just there in my head”, and you wonder if you should rekindle the friendship, “unsure what the best thing is for me”.

My comments: as you can see I separated the factual part of the story (the objective part),  from your private thoughts and feeling part of the story (the subjective part). The gap between the objective and the subjective is responsible for much of your anxiety. When a person X falls in love with person Y, what often happens, is that X so intensely desires that Y will love him back, that he imagines it to be true. Even if Y says: I like you only as a friend, X imagines that Y doesn’t mean it, or that she loves him deep inside, but doesn’t know it yet, etc. When Y smiles at X, X sees love in her eyes.. seeing what he wants to see, and closing his eyes to  what he doesn’t want to see.

This is why it  is very important to communicate clearly and honestly, at length when needed, so that the subjective part of your story fits the objective part. When the two parts fit, you will know how to proceed in regard to this young woman/ dating in general.

I would like to read your reply to this post, and if you think that I missed any relevant part to the story, any part of a conversation you had with her perhaps, please add it.

anita

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