Dear canary:

“He is by no means an evil person because ASPD is different for everyone“-

– True: all individuals that are diagnosed with one disorder are not all the same. But to receive a diagnosis by a competent professional, all people diagnosed with the same diagnosis must have things in common. People diagnosed with personality disorders (such as Asocial Personality Disorder) have to have things in commo, not only during a short period of time in their lives, but for a long, long period of time, showing “a long term pattern” of certain attitudes and behaviors.

“The man my hope is attached to is the man he was before he hit rock bottom. He was genuinely trying to be a better person and believe it or not, he was selfless and kind… He.. was genuinely trying to understand me and empathize with me“- reads like he did not fit the ASPD before he hit bottom and therefore, his current attitudes and behaviors have been short-term, not the “long term pattern” of attitudes and behaviors required for a personality disorder diagnosis.

* Also, people who do not fit the ASPD at all, when tired and stressed and otherwise pre-occupied, tend to not feel empathy for others.

“a part of me wants him to be the person he once was so we can be in a healthy relationship together“- as I understand it, he told you that he received an ASPD diagnosis from a health care professional, but he may have lied to you (“He.. forms little lies to others for his own gain“).

I think that it would be an excellent idea if you ask him to arrange for a professional visit between the two of you and the professional who allegedly diagnosed him with ASPD. In that meeting, you can ask the diagnosing professional for all the information that you need to know regarding your ex’s individual ASPD symptoms, suggested treatment and prognosis. This can help you greatly in regard to keeping your hope that he will recover and that the two of you may have a healthy relationship, or “Letting go of hope”, as the title of your thread reads.

anita