Dear Annie:

In September 2019, you described what I believe to be your core problem: “I feel so lonely with no emotional connection or social connection to anyone… I’ve always struggled with making friends and building strong connections with people, so it’s really hard and close to impossible to make and keep friends… I can’t even make friends online… I feel like I’m just an empty body with no soul”- because we humans are social animals, when we are not emotionally connected to other people aka lonely, we feel empty and depressed.

Evident in your earlier threads in regard to boyfriends is your jealousy, envy, hurt and anger: “Recently I’ve been feeling jealous and envious of my boyfriend’s social life. It just seems he meets the right kind of people and hit things off well, while for me it’s hard to.. make new friends or keep old friends… We started fighting a lot. He told me sometimes when I’m like this it’s hard to be around me… His coworkers and manager are always nice to him..  I do feel a little jealous of him.. he has a lot of people there for him while I don’t” (Sept 2017), “We have been in a on and off relationship with each other” (April 2019), “I feel like he never saw me as his best friend. Because he has his own group of best friends, why would he need me as a best friend?… I feel so angry” (Sept 2019), “After breaking up with my then-boyfriend, I went on a dating app and matched with H. ..We went on a few dates.. . At some point, I started feeling irritated and got upset with him easily” (June 2020).

We talked about the origin of your ongoing experience of loneliness, jealousy and anger: “Yes, I believe that growing up I didn’t get much of the emotional connection and bond with my parents as a child and even growing up. So I would feel like my family doesn’t understand how I feel and I would feel lonely… Anita – I learned that a person’s relationship with a partner is a reflection of a person’s relationship with their caregiver/parent” (Sept 2019)- you felt hurt, lonely and angry with/at your parents=> you felt the same with boyfriends (and with everyone else).

“I don’t feel the anger towards my parents anymore. But I do see the correlation of me trying to get that emotional need from my partner because I didn’t get that as a child or ever from my dad” (Sept 2019)- at the time you didn’t feel anger toward your parents because you were focused on a boyfriend, distracted from your relationships at home.

On Sept 26 2019, I wrote to you: “Dear Annie: That is what happens most often when we experience a significant lack in childhood: we ‘don’t feel the anger toward (our) parents anymore’ but we feel it toward our boyfriends/ partners in each and every relationship… Problem is that you are likely to feel this kind of jealousy for your next boyfriend and the next.. until you address the jealousy you felt as a child when one of your parents (or both) seemed to prefer other people over you- other family members, maybe even neighbors or strangers…. Do you want to share about this old childhood jealousy?”

On Sept 27 2019, you answered: “yes, growing up I did feel a lot of jealousy and envy towards my younger sibling because everyone gave her more attention and care and I felt I lacked affection from them… parents, grandparents.. Some of my parents’ friends would compare me to my younger sister about things like my height (which I was always insecure about) and it made me felt self conscious growing up”.

A year later, July 2020, you shared that you were an only child until your sister was born when you were 8: “Since then, I felt like both my parents and family favored my sister and showered her with more attention and love than on me…  I just don’t feel any emotional connection. Maybe I do feel a little bit with my mom, but we have our fights… With my sister, I’ve always envied that everyone favors her more…. I don’t feel close to my sister emotionally despite that we’ve been sharing the same bedroom.. we’re just strangers in the same room… I just envy that others have such closeness with their siblings.. We used to play online games together, but she made her own group of online friends, so she plays with them instead”,

“I just envy that my mom and sister’s relationship are so close. I feel I won’t ever have that closeness and it’s killing me.. When my mom and her are prepping food and I come out to join them, my sister would stop and leave. I feel sad and hurt”,

“My mom.. (is) disappointed that I haven’t accomplished what is expected of me for people my age. I do feel ashamed at myself for it.. I’m 28”.

A year later, July 2021: “I literally do not have any emotional connection and closeness with any family member…I hate my family”.

My thoughts today: it is not your fault that you feel disconnected from your parents, from your sister, and from everyone else. You did not create your childhood experience of emotional disconnection aka loneliness. It was created for you, and it was done to you. I don’t think that within your family, you are the odd one, the only one who is not connected to others. I think that everyone in your home is emotionally disconnected from everyone else, including your sister. This is why “she haven’t been doing anything at home other than play video games.. she’s just gaming!!!”- she is just gaming, she is not connecting with you, or with her mother, or with her father.

I think that when you see your sister prepping food in the kitchen with your mother, and you think that they are “so close”- you are wrong: she has moments of connection with her mother, some moments of connection with you, some with her father, but same is true to you. Four people living in the same small location (home), by sheer volume of time spent in close proximity- they end up connecting with each other at times.  But as a whole, there is little emotional connection between all four of you. You only imagine that everything is lovely when it comes to your sister’s connection with your mother/ parents.

Your hurt and anger, jealousy and envy have been going on strongly for too long. This emotional upset is hurting your health. The fact that you are living with your parents and with your sister (sharing the same bedroom!) is not a healthy situation. At 29, it is time for you to plan moving out.

If you move out and live away from your family, you will not get rid of the hurt, anger, jealousy and envy, and you will not be free to form close emotional connections with others. You will be taking the hurt, anger, jealousy and envy with you wherever you go. But living away from your family, and receiving some psychotherapy, will provide you the OPPORTUNITY to heal: the opportunity to express and resolve (over time) your  hurt and anger, the opportunity to form and maintain emotional connections with others, and the opportunity to enjoy a healthy love relationship with a man.

If and when you move away, your mother may still be disappointed and frustrated with you for not accomplish things she wanted you to accomplish years ago- but moving away will give you the opportunity to no longer be disappointed and frustrated with yourself!

Imagine feeling at peace with being who you are. It will be a way better kind of vacation than the beach vacation that I suggested to you earlier!

anita