Dear TeaK,

I see him more than I used to, but only slightly more. He started a more stable job a couple months ago, but he usually gets home late. He assured me it’s because he was working, or because he went to our garage first and was working on things there. Now he says his mindset is to grind at work so that we can have a better life, but even if that’s what he’s actually doing he’s really not participating in the relationship outside of going to work.

He always says “it’s easy for you to say because you work from home. You don’t appreciate the work I put in.” when I ask him to help me with some of the domestic chores.

Back in March, when his mother got involved, she signed him up for a few therapy sessions. I was asked to come to one of them. He was more honest to the therapist and I sat in surprised silence as he told her where he normally uses, how often, etc. She was very stern with him, saying that last time his homework was to sign up for a support group (which he didn’t do). He said he googled it, but that was it. It was painful to hear him say that because that is his usually excuse – ‘I looked at them, isn’t that good enough? I took out the sponge and soap and stacked the dishes in the sink for you, isn’t that doing the dishes enough? I put away half of my load of laundry from two weeks ago, isn’t that enough? I thought about helping you cook, isn’t that enough?”.

While I have been away he says he’s been crying a lot, and realizing what a schmuck he’s been. That he’s going to change his life. But I have heard it before, and I’m so sad that our relationship probably won’t make it much longer after I move out. He is such a kind, empathetic, sensitive person…to everyone except whoever tells him he’s not acting properly. The potential of who he showed me when we dated (his ideal version of himself, sans drugs and destructive habits) could happen, but I really can’t be used any more to wait and see if he can make it happen.