Hello TeaK,

I guess I meant that she listen’s to me complain, whether about work, family or anything else, and just thought of it as her being stubborn or scared of change that she would not take my advice on her business.  I never really thought about it as her being manipulative because she is the type of person that wants to help people, puts them above herself, but she is now putting everyone above her family also.   She also has a lot of self-doubt, which is why, I believe, she continues to ask me what she should do as far as her work is concerned. As far as understanding why she doesn’t want things to change, I am somewhat like that, especially in my job,  if something works, don’t change it.  But I understand that things NEED to change with her work, because it is causing problems with our family, I guess I relate to it a bit, which is why I use it as an excuse for her.  Maybe I keep justifying it in my mind by making excuses for her?

I get hints of resentment from time to time about me not helping her in the barn, I have helped her quite a bit over the years at the farm, but I told her when we first got together that her job is her job, I won’t be helping her all the time.  My family has also asked me why I don’t help her at the barn also, and I give them the same answer.  I had an Ex-girlfriend who I used to help with her job (she cleaned offices), and she took advantage of that, wanted me to go with her almost everyday after I got done with work, and would get mad at me if I didn’t help her, so I do not want to go through that again.  So, maybe she is resentful of that, and takes it out by staying late at work?

I do not like to get into fights with her, because she will shut down emotionally.  The last time we got into a fight, we were yelling at each other, about her work and hours, and she just shut down, she wouldn’t talk to me for a full day.  I know that I said some things that were very hurtful, I called her a part-time wife, and I think she was resentful of that for quite a while.  After we did start talking again, she did not want to have any conversation about what we were fighting over, if I brought up the subject again she would just shut down again and not speak.  I think this is why when we do talk about her hours and such it is infrequently, because she will just shut down.  As far as the dates go, I don’t confront her about it, I just let it go, once in awhile I maybe broach the subject of her being late all the time, and she will tell me that she has always been that way.  She has always been late to things, our first date was the only time she was on-time, she was actually early, but after that she was always late.

It took me awhile to write this, I found myself defending and making excuses for my wife while I was writing this.  Things like her being resentful, I would try to defend her and tell myself that she isn’t like that, she wouldn’t be resentful of me.  But some of her comments recently have started to creep into my mind, such as the other night when I said that I loved her, she said “the only reason you love me is that I gave you a son”, and it seemed a bit playful at the time, but the more I think about it, she didn’t say that she loved me afterwards, she just said goodnight, gave me a kiss and went to bed.  Also she has been kissing my cheek lately instead of a kiss on the lips, It really hadn’t caught my attention until now, while reading your post.

I will have to maybe make a list of things that I would like to talk with her about and sit down with her and discuss everything..

Thank you.