Dear Annie:

You are welcome. #1:  identify the times and situations when you feel that way, but it isn’t really happening).  Can you elaborate?“-

– when you feel that no one in your home understands you or tries to empathize with you, you tend to view situations outside of your home (in the workplace, in social situations not involving your family members, and elsewhere)  the same way, “like no one in my life understands or tries to empathize with me”.  Your emotional experience at home becomes your emotional experience everywhere.

I will give you a common example: a lonely girl who really was misunderstood and neglected at home grows up, starts a relationship with a decent man who pays her attention and understands her, so she feels euphoric, like the most wonderful thing just happened- but not for long. One day she tried really hard to look good for him and he doesn’t notice, she thinks: he didn’t notice me, he doesn’t care.  One evening, she badly needs him to be with her because she feels painfully lonely, but he is working the night shift and tells her that he will see you the day after. She thinks: if he cared and understood how lonely I felt, he would have left his shift and visit me tonight!

In reality: no one person can always notice how another person feels and attend to the other, we all get distracted by our own thoughts and feelings, and many have to keep their jobs, but the lonely-girl-turned-lonely-woman has unrealistic expectations: she wants her boyfriend to always know what she feels and what she wants,  and always attend to her. In summary: she really was misunderstood and neglected at home, but her boyfriend understands her and does not neglect her. It’s just that he is human and no human is able to 100% understand and attend to another person all of the time.

#2: identify the behaviors on your part that sometimes cause some people to not prefer your company”- I think I have an idea at least with my sister but I don’t know about with other people“- what are your behaviors in regard to your sister that caused her to not want your company? Your answer may give us a clue as to your behaviors  with other people (not family members) that cause them to not want your company.

“#3:… all my life, I feel like everyone always prefers someone else over me. Especially with my parents because I feel like they secretly prefer my sister. Maybe it’s a deep emotional wound thats why its triggering me so much“- I believe you: that your parents prefer your sister, and their preference of her caused you a deep emotional wound.

But it is not true that “everyone always prefers someone else” over you, it just seems to you this way because you project your experience with your parents (and with your sister), into your experiences with everyone.

I will add to #3 that because you are (understandably) angry with your parents,  and because you imagine that everyone else is like your parents.. your anger shows, people can see that you are angry, and.. people tend to avoid angry people.

anita