Dear thatssoelsie:

I re-read your three posts and found out that when I read and responded to you yesterday, I missed a very important piece of information, which is this: “he would always tell me in response that I have nothing to worry about since they all know about me and I’m being insecure“. This piece of information, in combination with what he told you recently: “this is why I don’t tell anyone at work I have a girlfriend” means that previously he lied to you, and maintained the lie for years.

Also, I missed this part: “He works in a place where conversations with coworkers are happening all the time, and not somewhere he is isolated and just focused on work“.

Re-reading and understanding what you shared better: the relationship with him has been troubled for a long time:  (1) he lied and maintained his lie for years, (2) He gaslighted you (you perceived reality correctly, he knew that you perceived correctly, and yet,  he tried to make you question your perception): he did so when he added to his lie that you are insecure (“...and I’m being insecure“), suggesting that an emotional deficit (being insecure) blocked your ability to perceive accurately. Calling you “crazy” is one more effort on his part to discredit your ability to perceive reality accurately,  (3) He clearly suggested to you that you are unworthy when he said that the reason he didn’t tell his coworkers that you are his girlfriend- is that they  “think highly of (him)“, suggesting by it that if they knew you are his girlfriend, they will not longer think highly of him.

He told you: “‘You’ve met the most important people in my life which are all my family and thats all that matter’ and ‘Coworkers don’t matter, who cares if they know‘”-

– (1) “Coworkers don’t matter, who cares if they know“: his coworkers matter to him and he cares, so his suggestion that he doesn’t care what his coworkers think is a lie, (2) “the most important people in my life.. all my family“- that may be a lie too. Maybe the most important people in his life are his co-workers. He said about his coworkers: “They think highly of me“. Maybe his family doesn’t think highly of him and the context where he feels appreciated and valued is his workplace.

That’s why he wants to protect the only place where he feels appreciated and valued, which is his workplace, protect it from any information that would suggest that he is not who they think he is.

anita