Thank you for your reply Abhilash,

I can see how such an environment can lead you to this addiction. Being disconnected from people and under-stimulated is really hard on the human brain… It is obvious that your current work and overall situation aren’t good for you. If you managed to “somehow moving away from this place, to something meaningful” it would be easier for you to not rely on porn as a stress reliever, I think.

“when I wake up again, I feel soul less. Nothing interests me.”

Depression does that to humans, and a bad environment usually leads to a depressive state. So… it makes sense.  It is very hard to find energy and interest when you are stuck in a routine and an environment that is not good for you. It is a very tough situation to be in: you wish to get out of the situation but the situation is sucking the energy you would need to get out of the situation…

Currently, watching porn seems to be a coping mechanism, a way to get through and survive your current difficulties. Yet, as you expressed, this coping mechanism/addiction leads you nowhere meaningful. It is part of your routine, it gets you by, but it doesn’t move you towards a better place. So you’re expressing your wish for something else, something that would maybe give you the strength to “reclaim your own life”.

You already started trying to find relief in other ways, and it is great! Here are the things you tried/are trying :

– creativity (“I have tried writing stories which have helped quite a bit, but not that much.”)

– reaching out to people (which you are currently trying, by starting this thread of Tiny Buddha)

It seems to be a good attempt! And there are probably more things that could help you, and that you can figure out along the way. I hope communicating on this forum can bring you some more relief and more ideas/energy to move toward a more meaningful place! You can elaborate on your difficulties anytime on this thread.

Linarra