Dear Makingtide:

I read your two recent posts, including your answers to my questions, and to me, based on posts, and having very little information on your situation, you read like an honest, logical and reasonable man who loves his wife and wants her back.

“she rarely told me how she was feeling.  She came into the marriage with existing trauma and did not confide deep stuff to me, partly because she was already programmed not to, but also because she was afraid of how I’d react…  she finally opened up about how much pain I’d caused…I started putting in a serious effort and sought counselling.. It was not long after that that she told me she wanted a divorce.. her  attitude toward me is still in divorce mode… We are now living apart“-

– If the behaviors on your part that upset her so much during the marriage were closely related to her pre-existing trauma, that is, trauma that preceded the relationship with you (ex.: she was sexually abused and your offensive behavior was a habit of watching pornography), and you were aware of her trauma and yet proceeded to engage in the activity for many years, then I can understand her reluctance to resume a marriage with you.

If the offensive behaviors are not related to her trauma, and/or are minor, or.. are not offenses at all (ex, of the latter: you have a sister who has been nice and respectful to your wife, but your wife doesn’t like your sister’s political views, and felt offended when you visited your sister at your sister’s home), then your wife doesn’t read like a reasonable person.

Maybe the anger she has suppressed for all the years before “she finally opened up” has been too intense and too massive for her to contain and push down again, regardless of the nature of your offensive behaviors. I imagine that her anger at you is not separated from her anger regarding her trauma which preceded her relationship with you.

The variables in the story that have a lot to do with whether you can save and heal the marriage- or not are (1) the nature of her pre-existing trauma, (2) your awareness of her trauma through the years, (3) the nature of your offensive behaviors, (4) whether one of your offensive behaviors has been aggression toward her when angry, verbal or otherwise (“she was afraid of how I’d react”).

You are welcome to elaborate on any of these variables.

anita