Dear Lutie:

“Is minimizing interaction with my sister considered passive aggressive?“- no: minimizing contact with an abusive person is a protective reaction.  It is not aggressive. You need to protect yourself from your sister’s direct aggression against you,  and from her indirect (passive-aggressive) aggression against you.

“Since I will be staying home for a while, any advice on what I can do to better protect myself emotionally?“-

Minimize your interactions with your sister to the bare minimum, zero interaction will be best. Ignore her best you can. If she is nice to you (in an effort to no longer be ignored perhaps)- reward her niceness with a smile or a polite word, but that is all: do not become friends with her, don’t get closer to her.

Politeness is the best I would hope from her, if I was in your shoes.

If your mother tells you that you should stop ignoring your sister, that you should be nice to her, etc… because she is depressed, or because she (appears to be) trying to be nice to you.. or whatever she say:  do not listen to her. She already told you that you should accept or endure your sister’s abuse- so don’t avail yourself to more of her bad advice, suggestions or instructions!

“I spent most of my life hating my dad, upon the news of his death, I wasn’t able to shed any tears for him… Everyone in the family.. looked at me as if I was a monster who has cold blood“- he hit you with a cane, a hanger, a leather belt.. and maybe with his bare hands from the time you were 7 to 12, and he sexually molested you when you were 10, and then tried a second time. When your father, the cold blooded monster died, your family looked at you as.. “a monster who has cold blood”. That’s outrageous to me!

“I would like to forgive them for myself so that I could move on with my life without feeling bitter but I do understand abuse should not be overlooked“- do not accept or endure abuse.. once you are no longer abused, then forgive, best you can.

“I do empathize my sister since I  experience depression before“- empathize with her depression but not with her aggression. Empathize with your own feelings, whatever they are, and see to it that you don’t accept others’ aggression and that you are not aggressive toward others.

Remember that protecting yourself from aggression, minimizing contact, is not aggressive behavior: it is a protective and wise reaction to another person’s aggression.

anita