Dear nycartist:

“I told this friend, I am allowed to invite who I want…  I am nearly 40 years old and don’t need her permission… Another friendship I am having trouble with is one where my friend is going through a hard time. She has become very unreliable… I am getting tired of just allowing for her to be totally unreliable… My other friendship that is bothering me is one where I do a lot for this girl and am starting to feel it is very one sided. I don’t feel appreciated… Anyway, I feel there is some kind of pattern here and I am having trouble putting my finger on it”-

– the pattern I see, based on what you shared today, and on what you shared in previous threads, includes these elements: (1) your fear of a friend getting angry at you and casting you aside, a fear that has led to your submissive, people-pleasing efforts, acting as if you are a child and your friend is the powerful adult: “I told this friend I am allowed… don’t need her permission” (today), “(when) I need to say no to, with friends or anyone, I find it nearly impossible. I am so afraid of making someone angry… this gnawing fear that I’ll have someone mad at me, or someone cut me out of their life and cast me aside…it’s literally sickening when I think of someone being ‘displeased’ with me” (2020),

and (2) your fear of a friend’s anger and being cast aside, leading to your efforts to control the friend’s behaviors, acting in overbearing ways, and doing too much for your friend, as if you are the parent and the friend is (a misbehaving, un-appreciating) child: “I am getting tired of just allowing for her to be totally unreliable…I do a lot for this girl and am starting to feel it is very one sided. I don’t feel appreciated” (today), “I’ve been told (by other friends) I can sometimes be too overbearing in the past” (2019).

Notice you acting like the rebelling child on one hand (“I am allowed… don’t need her permission“, today), and acting like the overdoing/ overworked and un-appreciated parent, on the other hand (“(I am) allowing for her“, today).

anita