Dear Mary:

You are welcome. Regarding G, you wrote: “G thinks I am easier to talk to because I don’t blame anyone or make anyone feel bad” – I hope that she no longer blames you and makes you feel bad (“(she) likes to point the finger… G only comes to yell and lash out at me“, Dec 2019), so that it is not only easier for her to talk to you, but so that it is easier for you to talk to her.

Regarding Amanda, you wrote that she accuses you of “not living up to her expectations“- but (1) she is not your employer, paying you a salary and benefits and therefore having valid employer- employee expectations of you, such as that you follow her professional guidance, (2) she your mother, feeding you, clothing you, taking care of you and therefore having valid mother-daughter expectations of you, such as that you do your homework and some chores around the house.

I don’t understand the supposed or alleged expectations issue, on her part.

“I think Amanda expects a lot from me because she is able to make herself available to me every day at any time even though she has a husband and kids” – reads to me that she dislikes spending time with/thinking about her husband and kids, and you are a way for her to be otherwise engaged, a preferrable distraction from being a wife and a mother.

“it’s hard for me… to have a day or two without texting her without her getting upset and making me feel bad…. She shows some signs of gaslighting, such as: vague accusations… making me feel responsible for her feelings…  she is a very good person“- I suggest that you redefine good person.

“Is this becoming a toxic friendship?… The more I think about it, the more I feel we’re toxic for each other” – I can see how she’s being toxic to you (accusing you, gaslighting you, etc.), but I don’t see how you are being toxic to her (setting healthy boundaries with people is not toxic).

Is it that all it takes for you to feel guilty and toxic is for a person to accuse you of … anything at all, regardless of whether it is true or false?

anita