Fysh,

In contrast to John’s heartfelt advice and pornography deliberations, I’m seeing something quite different in your words. It seems that perhaps you are obsessed with porn. Specifically, it seems like you are digesting your partners actions as having to do with you. As though because he likes porn, that it means he does not enjoy your company or sexual exchanges.

If I were in your shoes, I would start there… it is inside our own view that we have the ability to heal, not through the control of the actions of others. His actions as “ruining your life” sounds like there is far too much of your self esteem interwoven with his actions.

Buddha taught that sensual craving is a road to suffering. If your boyfriend is addicted or otherwise shifting his actions to create, maintain and defend his habits, that is a real difficulty that each of us has in our own way (until we are enlightened). Consider replacing “porn” with “playing with teddy bears”. If he leaves work to play with bears, lies about playing with bears as often as he does, asks you to leave the house so he can play with teddy bears, plays with teddy bears 7-14 times a week… would that have anything to do with you? Would his time playing with teddy bears be so often that he isn’t spending time with you?

Seeing it this way can help you erode the attachment you have in your aversion to porn. Can you see how ridiculous it is to obsess about others’ actions? If he was spending all of the money in the household on teddy bears, or is being neglectful in the relationship because he only wanted to play with teddy bears… that would be one thing.

So, what is it about yourself that you don’t like? Its perhaps that dislike that makes your mind get stuck in loops comparing yourself to his teddy bears and obsessing about his actions. Said differently, perhaps if you were more comfortable in your own skin and with your sexuality, porn would not be a problem. Or, if it was a problem for you, you could simply move on… like some people have to do when they are in love with an alcoholic. But, that’s not what you asked, or the way you described what you’re experiencing. How is your sex life with the boyfriend? Are you satisfied with your intimacy with him?

Its possible that his sex drive is stronger than yours, that he is addicted, that he really does it less than you assume he does, or even something else. Whatever it is, consider that trying to stop him is codependent. Pia Melody has a great book on overcoming codependency that is on amazon if you’re interested. She will help you better target the obsession and control aspects of your behaviors, so you can be peaceful and happy without trying to change others.

For the record, I am personally against the use of pornography to fulfill sensual desires unless we don’t have a partner or watch it with our partner. In a relationship, sex becomes a sacred binding force of intimacy that has the potential to provide so much joy and union that porn becomes rotten food. I only say this so you don’t continue to think I am just trying to help your boyfriend, it has nothing to do with him… it has to do with you and your health, your mind and your peace.

With warmth,
Matt