Dear Sherry:

“It’s good to hear that you’ve recovered from the eating disorders… It’s such a tough feat to beat an eating disorder (I hope this isn’t triggering but please let me know if it is) and it’s so great that you were able to have a better relationship with food” – thank you for your support and for your sensitivity! I still experience anxiety in regard to eating and body weight (fear of gaining weight), but I am managing my anxiety well enough.

“I had severe depression in college and when I told my dad, he said ‘you just need to think positively‘. When my mom found my self-harm scars, she said, ‘you need to stop doing stupid things to yourself‘” – reads like they didn’t want to be bothered by you… no wonder this morning, after you told your mother how you felt, you apologized: “sorry, I don’t mean to irritate you“. Your feelings, your… existence irritate them?

“I still struggle with self-harm” – harming the one who is an irritant to your parents… devaluing the existence of the one whose existence is not valued by your parents?

“In grad school, I became suicidal, and I told my mom. She said ‘you need to stay in grad school and continue on with it‘” – her focus was grad school, not your very life?

“I also had textbook symptoms of depression in high school and got bad grades because of it and my dad would yell at me daily saying I’d never amount to anything in life” – but he didn’t yell at his son, did he? Didn’t tell his son that he would never amount to anything in life?  And so, your brother did not have to languish under the heavy weight of their condemnation, was light enough/ free enough to be the “‘popular’ kid in school, had tons of friends, made the dean’s list in college” etc.?

Or did he witness how they treated you, what about you irritated them…  and he found ways to be different from you and different, he stayed clear of their condemnation?

“It feels like a lot of the lack of empathy from them came around my depression” – their lack of empathy predated your depression. I think that their lack of empathy caused your depression.

“I realized yesterday in a therapy appointment that all of the regrets I’m feeling is actually self-blame, which makes sense. I think I’ve blamed every part of my life on myself” – if you reconsider who is responsible for what, who is guilty of what, and figure out the truth in regard to the issue of responsibility, you will have the basis for a good mental health.

“I’m sorry for such a long response, I just started reflecting on my life and it all came out on the keyboard lol” – here, with me on this thread, you are not a bother, you are not an irritant. Here you are welcomed and invited to be you!

anita