Hi Bee

This feeling of being defective or unlovable can be addressed. For me, it comes from a longing that any child has for a loving family that cares.Is this similar for you? Fortunately, we can learn to love ourselves, we can also receive love from a number of people including friends. The latter d cannot replace the former. Learning to love yourself is essential. I would also say it is important to see the situation for what it was instead of blaming yourself for it.

People are not always mature enough to handle these delicate conversations sensitively. It is okay to for a partner to say it makes me feel pressured when I refuse and you get upset and confide that they have been difficulties saying n, which lead them to do something that they weren’t comfortable with. I wonder when communicating the consent issues did your partner say anything particularly harsh at the time? I ask because I know how easy it is to internalise the criticism of others when we care about them.

I would agree, schools didn’t teach me enough about consent either. Not to mention, abuse tends to mess with boundaries! I was also raised with “all men want sex 24/7” I really don’t like that stereotype.

My understanding (please correct me if I’m wrong) is that there were mutual issues regarding consent. When he raised his issues, you met his needs. Did he even hear your issues with consent? It certainly seems like your needs weren’t met. I totally understand with the abuse you experienced it is difficult to set that boundary.

The thing about relationships is that there is implicit consent. Once consent is established, partners do not always check every time. They trust each other to communicate their needs otherwise when the time arises.

I think that until you are ready to communicate your needs to a potential partner it is a bad idea to date. As a victim of previous abuse, I wish someone told me this. Dating without the ability to withdraw consent can be very traumatic.

I find it concerning that your partner gave no visible indication that he was unhappy with the arrangement before raising this issue. My partner hums and haws giving visible indications sometimes and changes his mind (as he is entitled to). This doesn’t seem to have been the case at all for you.

I can understand your fears in other relationships. The truth is though, not relationship is going to be the same as the one with your ex. You can even make consent less daunting by assigning code phrases. I simply ask my husband “How are you feeling?”.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Helcat.
• This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Helcat.