Helcat, yes. I can relate to the feeling of wanting a loving and caring family. I used to imagine my real dad, the dad I was supposed to have, was an educated and kind man, someone with real moral principles. He’d work at a museum or as a marine biologist or as an astronomer. He’d be the coolest person I knew and he’d teach me everything about the natural world. He’d be kind to my emotions and good to everyone.

My mom would be similarly awesome. She’d protect me and teach me how to be in the world. She’d encourage me to go off on my own or stay, whatever was more beneficial for me. And we’d laugh all the time. My sister and I would be well-adjusted and make beautiful lives for ourselves. Life would truly be golden. I had dreams about a family with good, kind, and educated people.

I don’t recall them saying anything hurtful, no. They told me they thought about breaking up with me but realized I might not know how they were feeling and so decided to come back and talk about it. They told me they were surprised I was receptive.

I think them telling me it had felt bad for them for so long without telling me was the most hurtful part. It broke my heart. It felt like my entire world flipped and memories I had thought of as pleasant were suddenly sullied and wrong. I felt sick of myself and blamed myself for not knowing how I was causing someone to feel, wrapped up in my own feelings as I was. I asked them why they didn’t tell me right away and they said they ‘told me as soon as they knew how they felt’.

I also do not like that stereotype. I think it perpetuates harmful ideas.

I think I planned on having a talk with him and communicating that I also needed reassurance I could say no as I remember writing about it in my journal but I cannot remember if we ever did have that talk.

In my future relationships, I plan on having these discussions before any sort of intimacy occurs so we both know where we stand. I think that’s the safest way to approach it from now on. I think based off my prior relationship, it’s safe to say I have an anxious attachment and so need a partner who can handle anxiety without taking it personally (as I continue to work on my own issues so it is not all on them) and someone who is openly communicative about what they want and are comfortable with, as well as someone who is okay with meeting my love language of physical touch.

Now that I’m older, I think it’s possible that my ex-partner struggled with emotions entirely. They could not handle their own, much less deal with mine. I think they were very out-of-tune with themselves and saw potential in me to ‘fix me’ or something.

They tried to teach me about codependency (once I was sitting on them and told them I missed them so much it felt like a piece of me was missing when they were away – and they told me that I sounded codependent) and accountability and me vs you issues and boundaries (they wrote those kinds of things down on a piece of paper for me to remember). It was a good-will effort to help me deal with my anxiety on my own. This made me think they were more experienced at everything, I felt like they were going to lead me and teach me how to be in a relationship because I was entirely clueless. I learned everything I knew from the internet.

The code phrase is a good idea. At least until I work through this, it might be better for me to not initiate anything at all until I have those convo’s with the person and I’m taking better care of myself. I don’t think I would react poorly anymore, I’m just worried.