Hi, anita. Thank you for checking in on me and asking. I hope you are well.

I am still struggling with these feelings daily. They have abated to some degree as I’ve discussed the issue with others and remember the words of forgiveness I received from my ex.

I’ve more deeply realized that my ex and I might’ve been involved in a codependent relationship with the both of us exhibiting people-pleasing and codependent tendencies in various ways.

I have also been trying to work through the anger at both my ex and myself. My ex for trying to change me to better fit their needs in the relationship and myself for not taking better care of my own needs. I wish I had sought out therapy immediately after arriving at school and had not entered into a relationship until I had worked through my issues and learned new skills.

I can recognize I did not then have the tools to communicate as well as I do today but forgiving myself is difficult. There is very real grief and sorrow over how everything turned out and the harm that was done to both myself and the person involved with me.

It is difficult to look at television shows, movies, books, and comics without thinking about the past. It is difficult to do anything without being in some way reminded of it. I am constantly worrying my ex will have experienced trauma from our relationship and will be negatively impacted in the future. Like Gabor Mate writes, ‘the body remembers the score’. I wish my ex had not met me nor me them and we had both learned how to heal ourselves in a less painful way.

I don’t feel as though my environment can support what I’m going through so I have considered trying to find a place in the world to act as a rest-station whether this be a commune, a monastery, or an alternative spiritual landing pad where I’m surrounded by a positive and supportive environment and can gain perspective on what has happened, why it was that way, and what my place is in the world now.