Dear Sann/ Reader:

You hear a lot the sentence no parent is perfect, and it’s true, of course. No person in the world has grown up untouched by abuse (parental, familial, neighborhood, school, crime, war, etc.), so every parent suffers and passes on the consequences of abuse to the next generation. An excessively anxious parent who is a good parent in every other way, passes on that excess anxiety to his/ her children. The parent in this example never yells at her children, never expresses aggression toward her kids, is affectionate and empathetic often enough… but the anxiety itself harms her children.

The parents who do more than passing on the consequences of abuse to their children are parents who severely lack empathy for their children and/ or parents who treat their children angrily and aggressively by yelling, beating, and/ or verbally assaulting their children, etc., parents who are overtly aggressive, or covertly aggressive aka passive aggressive.

In your case, Sann, you described your mother as being overtly aggressive: “big rage-outbursts, shouting and shaking me around… she burst out in anger, out of proportion“, and your father as non-aggressive but lacking empathy for you: “he didn’t know how to give me affection or attention… there was never the time or the space to listen to me“, etc.

The result: an adult child with an “old familiar self-hatred“, “general very tensed“, “constantly in such a terror”.

It is very important for parents to never express uncontained, undisciplined anger at their children; in other words, to never act aggressively against their children, never yell, never verbally assault, etc. It is also very important for a parent to have some empathy for their child, to consider that the child has feelings, that the child can feel very hurt, and to care to not hurt their child and to not allow others to hurt the child.

Parenting is the most difficult job to do, when done right. It cannot be done perfectly, but avoiding aggression against one’s child cannot be compromised because of human imperfection: this part can be perfectly delivered- simply don’t yell at your child, don’t use words to humiliate your child, don’t beat your child, etc.

An abused child is never guilty for having been abused. Of the two people involved, the abusing parent (perpetrator) is 100% responsible for the abuse and the abused child (victim) is 0% responsible for the abuse. A second parent who is aware that abuse is taking place, and yet allows it, is also 100% responsible for the abuse (co-perpetrator).

The self-hate you described, Sann, is about False Guilt, the perceived guilt of the abused. You declared your mother “not bad“, and yourself… bad, one worthy of hatred.

“hey I am here too, pay attention to me…  I actually also exist, and I also breathe… it is also time that I give myself some recognition… I find it sometimes irritating when people say that I have to understand parents, that is all good and well, but who is there to understand me, to give me some space in here?” –

– You should be about 40 years old these days. I hope that you are alive and well somewhere in this world: that you are having the space to exist, to breathe, to be recognized and understood!

anita