Dear EllGee:

“Is this a midlife crisis that will pass?” – I think that it’s a combination of his very dysfunctional childhood and a midlife crisis. I don’t think that it will pass in the sense that he will return to being his old self.

“He shouted a lot at our teenage children… The kids say it’s a better house without him“- unless he no longer shouts at your teenage children, he shouldn’t be back to the house, should he?

Reads to me that your understanding of his behavior is excellent. I agree with it. Let’s see if there is anything that I can add by re-reading your original post part by part and commenting:

“20 years together, 18 married… He had a very dysfunctional childhood – a mother who verbally and physically abused him, no father on the scene, no praise or encouragement.  A house of blame and shouting and being left alone a lot… I took on the role often mother“- 20 years with you have been a great improvement over his childhood. He experienced a functional life with a much improved mother figure/wife.

“I was the organised, practical one, him the creative one“- it worked for him, he was content.

“Then, in the last 2-3 years I had noticed him becoming more introverted, irritable, losing passion for things…not seeing his friends, talking about mortality“- (1) he became partly aware that he was not yet a grown up, that he was … an aging teenager. You can tell that he viewed himself as a teenager because he accused you of “being ‘against’ him and on ‘their side’“, them being his teenage children, (2) it is quite depressing when a person becomes aware that he is getting closer to death while still a child.

“In the midst of it, he got a new job where drugs are a big part of the creative process (weed mainly)… He became fascinated by podcasts about monogamy, psychedelics, consciousness etc.“- as a teenager he wants to leave home and venture into an adult, independent life. He is excited about the prospect of creating a new grown-up life for himself, a life on his own terms.

“He started talking about how….  he should be free to do what he wants without being answerable to anyone… He even said I was controlling“- a teenager asserting his independence!

“For a while after he left (to live next to one of his new workmates) he’d come and stay, saying he did miss me but was confused“- he asserted his independence by moving away from home, on his own. And like a teenager, he had his weak moments when he missed home.

“When he announced about the divorce he said he’d been speaking to ‘his friends’ for a while about it.  This really hurt and my main frustration is that he didn’t talk to ME“- teenagers, in their quest for independence from their parents, distant themselves from their parents and get closer to their peers. They don’t reach out to and hang out with their mothers, they reach out to and hang out with their friends.

“I always get the feeling that he’s quoting what someone else has said to him and not really speaking as HIMSELF.  He is almost acting in a certain way because he ‘should’ not because he wants to – the child being told what to do, not the adult making their own decisions“- he is not yet an independent adult, he is still a teenager who is struggling to become independent. Becoming independent is a process, not an event… therefore, it is understandable that he is looking for input by those he considers independent, quoting them, mirroring them perhaps.

“A week ago, he then decided he didn’t like the limbo and that we should both move on.  Just like that. He keeps changing his mind… What I can’t come to terms with is whether or not he’ll go back to the old him… I want the old husband back, the one I loved so much, not the one that’s turned into a pot smoking teenager“-

– I am thinking that he does not want “the old him” back and so, if he senses that you want the old him back, he will not want to be with you. If you want him back with you, you’ll have to want the new him, the independent man he is trying to  become.

I understand that in his mind, at this time, being independent does not mean being a responsible husband and father. It is not surprising to me because teenagers, when they think of independence, do not think about getting married and having children. Being independent for a teenager means living away from home, away from parents and having new experiences with their peers.

“How do I back off and leave him to it?“- (1) like I suggested, if you express to him that you want his old self back, you are not likely to get the old him back. Instead, he is likely to rebel against you, (2) it is very difficult and maybe impossible for a teenager to become emotionally independent from his mother, when his mother is emotionally dependent on him. It helps a teenager a lot if the mother appears okay without her son needing her, (3) you don’t want him back if he feels that he failed at becoming independent, that he goes back to living with you because he failed.

Your best bet, seems to me, is to indeed back off, to not express to him that you are emotionally dependent on him, and to abandon much of your past role in his life, the mother-wife role (even if and when he asks that you resume that role in moments of weakness).

anita