thank you Anita and Helcat.

yes I do have concerns about my current relationship and those things are making me feel wary imagining “forever” with this person. i love this person, so it hurts me to think about it ending for good because there are many traits he has that I value in life. but i am not IN love with him. Is it superficial and naive of me to wish there was more of those types of feelings in our relationship? I understand that love is not always sunshine and rainbows, and that the honeymoon phase does end. I also understand that perhaps things are a bit…bland between us because we are relatively new parents trying to navigate so much all at once.

i have expressed to him many times that while I know that he loves me, I wish that he would show me love in the ways that I receive it. I need quality time and I wish he was more intentional with that time. I wish he were more intentional in showing me that he thinks about me and adores me when we are not together. If he even does. I just want to feel SPECIAL to him. I don’t want him to just tell me, I want him to show me. We have discussed these things at length and I feel like he doesn’t see my perspective. He simply says that in order for me to feel the things that I want to feel; I have to cultivate that by giving those things to him. Almost like, treat people like you want to be treated. And I agree with this!

secondly, i simply do not feel fulfilled with our sex life. i never have. I will say that  recently he has offered to please me sexually more than he ever has and so i do appreciate that. but over the years it has felt that our sex life centered around his pleasure and the moment that I began to enjoy things it would end because he would reach climax (prematurely, if you know what I mean) and I would just be left feeling empty and unfulfilled.

there’s just a general lack of chemistry. sure we get on well intellectually and can talk very deeply about things and I do value that and it is something I love about him. but it feels like our relationship is lacking polarity.

With G, the individual I have reconnected with, those things that I feel are lacking with my fiance aren’t. There is incredible chemistry there. We just sort of bounce off of each other in a playful manner which makes me feel more attracted to him and there is incredible sexual chemistry there.

i do agree that I will not be leaving my fiancé because of another man, but rather because it’s what I need for myself in my own life. To be honest, the thought of leaving and being on my own has crossed my mind many times, before I even reconnected with G.

there is nothing wrong with my fiancé he is an incredible person and father. but i am doubtful he can love me the way my heart truly desires, and to live my life feeling unfulfilled by my relationship terrifies me.