Dear Jupiter:

You wrote in regard to your childhood: “I’d been… the child of an addict, and was one of seven children spanning a variety of failed marriages — only one of whom was my biological sibling“- I imagine that growing up you felt very un-special. Maybe you were treated like a thing, not like a person. Maybe you were treated as if you were 2-dimensional, not like the 3-dimensional, complex child and teenager that you were. A deep craving was born: the craving to be treated special and to feel special.

In a reply in another thread, you wrote to another member: “what you’re saying is that every woman is interchangeable… Women are people. Individuals, human beings. They have different standards, desires, interests and beliefs. Too many people think that getting a life partner is like fishing at the side of a pond, where the only thing that matters is getting a fish. It doesn’t matter which fish takes the bait, because they’re all fish, right? Finding a partner means finding a real human being“-

– I think that while growing up you were treated as if you were interchangeable, as if you were a thing, not a person; as if you were not an individual, real human being with her own standards, desires, interests and beliefs, as if it didn’t matter who you were… as if you were just a fish like any other fish.

Back to your thread, you wrote: “I met him in a bar through mutual friends and asked if he wanted to go for a coffee. He replied with a 2000-word essay about having fallen madly in love with me. I was astonished, and was swept off my feet… and I jumped in with both feet“- feeling that he noticed your specialness and picked you from the rest as the one worthy of his 2000-word essay quenched that childhood craving, for a while, left you eager for more of that feeling of special.

But later events in the relationship led you to the following: “I don’t think he cared which girlfriend. I think women were interchangeable to him..  It’s like catching a fish in a river, when you’re starving. It doesn’t matter which fish you catch, as long as you get one” – he gave you the feeling of being special and then he took it away, and you were back to feeling interchangeable, a fish, could have been any fish.

I will jump straight to the last part of your original post: “Deep down I believe that no-one is ever going to love me as a person, that someone only wants me to fulfil a role, that I am replaceable” – seems to me that you are yet to be treated special, like the 3-dimensional, real person that you are; yet to be treated as an irreplaceable, unique, special person. The craving is just as strong as always, isn’t it?

I would like to tell you about my experience growing up feeling very, very un-special, but I need to know if you are interested in reading about it. I would also like to know what you think about what I posted to you so far. Maybe you will tell me, maybe you will not, but either way, I wish you well!

anita